Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Judge, Won't You Please Throw the Book at Christina Aguilera?

We here in These United States pride ourselves on the protections that we afford accused criminals. Every American -- even those who have committed grievous crimes -- has the right to free speech, the right to buy guns in Walmart, and, in some states, the right to have sex with other criminals of the same gender in the privacy of their own home. Our Constitution also guarantees a right called habeas corpus, Latin for "you've got a great body", which prohibits bailiffs from flirting with prisoners. These, and other protections, are part of what make America great.

But when I heard that national disgrace Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication early yesterday morning, I was really hoping that law enforcement officials would ignore all of these rules and just lock her up forever, because I am very, very tired about hearing about Chrstina Aguilera.

Unfortunately, the policemen in question, unlike every single policeman on HBO's The Wire, did not try to invoke some trumped-up charge in order to take this menace off the streets. Says LA County Sherriff spokesman Steve Whitmore:

"We have no desire to prosecute, none whatsoever. It just for a public safety issue."

Take that, young black youths facing 15 year sentences for marijuana possession! We have no desire to prosecute Unbearable Harpy Christina Aguilera!

The article continues,
"As she got better, she just said, 'I would like to leave,'" says Whitmore, and deputies granted her request.

Great, guys. Great.
  1. It turns out that all you need to do to get un-arrested in LA is politely say "I would like to leave." What a friendly city!
  2. If LA's finest aren't even able to keep a confirmed public menace in custody for a single night, what are they capable of?
  3. If there's one thing I've learned from the six years I wasted watching Lost, it's that you should never listen to a man named Whitmore.

Hey boyfriend Matthew Rutler was also arrested, but I can say with some confidence that absolutely no one cares about him.

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