Tuesday, March 22, 2011

New Blog

Wondering where we went? Business Flannel's writing and sketch comedy can now be found on our partner website, The Faster Times. Join us there! It's fun, promise!


Monday, March 7, 2011

Friday, March 4, 2011

24 Hour Clock on Funny Or Die

Business Flannel's newest sketch, 24 Hour Clock, another front page winner on Funny Or Die. Peep it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The 4 Best Charlie Sheen Spoof Videos on the Internet Right Now

Charlie Sheen's very public insanity already inspired a great deal of jokes, which is great, because I love jokes. And now, because everyone hates reading, there are video jokes in which we can bask and stupidize ourselves.

Here are my 4 favorites:

Winning! The Cologne - Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon's Charlie Sheen impression is funny, especially the way he hits those "Winning!"s with exactly the right accent. Not on par with his incredible Pat O'Brien, but good. This skit from his Late Night with Jimmy Fallon show imagines a commercial for a Charlie Sheen cologne called (what else?) "Winning." Doubtless it is made from Tiger Blood (if not bits of real panther, so you KNOW it works).

Ellen Degeneres - New Receptionist

A non-obvious angle by Ellen is short and sweet. Well, a little bitter, but mostly sweet.

Charlie Sheen Dance Party

If you love hipster dance music (I'm looking at you, "Barbara Streisand" by Duck Sauce fanboys), and also Charlie Sheen ranting like an undermedicated lunatic, then this song just might be for you.

Coldplay's Charlie Sheen Tribute

Well, not really. But this song does feature piano and a singer with a high voice.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Rock McLobster

Move over financial crisis, Westboro Baptist Church (and its concomitant army of fag haters), and Libyans: today's biggest news is the fabled existence of a sandwich called the McLobster, which sounds like the punchline of a forgettable SNL tie-in sketch and, reportedly, looks like this:

This news raises some questions:
  1. Does the McLobster actually exist? The blogs are claiming that it does...in Canada. Which is like saying that it exists if you believe it does or exists only when you close your eyes or exists in the same way that Santa Clause does -- in the imaginations of children everywhere.
  2. Why does the McLobster exist? Don't they have enough other places to get lobster in Canada? Doesn't the Canadian government provide two lobsters a week to every Canadian citizen as part of its socialized healthcare system?
  3. Given the improbably nature of the McLobster, how many animals can McDonand's successfully Mc? Have we as a culture been underestimating the Mcability of bison, deer, and manatee?

The McLobster, combining as it does the highbrow tradition of Lobster with the working class Mc, is probably designed to appeal to everyone. This strikes me as a smart strategy. Keep an eye out for McOysters Rockefeller, Truffle McNuggets, and the VealMac ("Two all tender, baby cow patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun") in Quarter 3. You heard it here first.

Braves Rookie Freddie Freeman Looks Uncomfortably Like Sgt. Pyle in "Full Metal Jacket" After He Goes Crazy

Braves rookie first baseman Freddie Freeman and Vincent D'Onofrio in "Full Metal Jacket" after he goes crazy--separated at birth?

Here's hoping for the Braves that Freeman doesn't field first base like old people fuck.

[Photo @ ESPN].

Charlie Sheen + lolcats = lolcharliesheen

[Originally posted at The Faster Times].

Charlie Sheen's craziest quotes get lolcat-ified.

Kim Kardashian's New Song "Jam (Turn It Up)"? More like "Damn (Turn It Down)"

Kim Kardashian--who I am contractually obligated to note, as a writer, has a reality show, a sex tape, lots of money, a long last name, and, most of all, a big ol' butt--released a single this morning, thus joining fellow untalented heiress Paris Hilton (she of the incredibly annoying "Stars Are Blind" from 2006) as really rich women famous from reality shows who imagine themselves as American Idols.

And really, they are American Idols.

Like William Hung was! Heyoooooooo---

---here's the song, produced by Pitchfork favorite The-Dream(!), as heard on The Ryan Seacrest morning radio program, the most popular morning show for drivers commuting from the suburbs of Los Angeles to the third ring of Hell.

Take a listen:

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Judge, Won't You Please Throw the Book at Christina Aguilera?

We here in These United States pride ourselves on the protections that we afford accused criminals. Every American -- even those who have committed grievous crimes -- has the right to free speech, the right to buy guns in Walmart, and, in some states, the right to have sex with other criminals of the same gender in the privacy of their own home. Our Constitution also guarantees a right called habeas corpus, Latin for "you've got a great body", which prohibits bailiffs from flirting with prisoners. These, and other protections, are part of what make America great.

But when I heard that national disgrace Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication early yesterday morning, I was really hoping that law enforcement officials would ignore all of these rules and just lock her up forever, because I am very, very tired about hearing about Chrstina Aguilera.

Unfortunately, the policemen in question, unlike every single policeman on HBO's The Wire, did not try to invoke some trumped-up charge in order to take this menace off the streets. Says LA County Sherriff spokesman Steve Whitmore:

"We have no desire to prosecute, none whatsoever. It just for a public safety issue."

Take that, young black youths facing 15 year sentences for marijuana possession! We have no desire to prosecute Unbearable Harpy Christina Aguilera!

The article continues,
"As she got better, she just said, 'I would like to leave,'" says Whitmore, and deputies granted her request.

Great, guys. Great.
  1. It turns out that all you need to do to get un-arrested in LA is politely say "I would like to leave." What a friendly city!
  2. If LA's finest aren't even able to keep a confirmed public menace in custody for a single night, what are they capable of?
  3. If there's one thing I've learned from the six years I wasted watching Lost, it's that you should never listen to a man named Whitmore.

Hey boyfriend Matthew Rutler was also arrested, but I can say with some confidence that absolutely no one cares about him.

In Honor of Justin Bieber's Birthday and National Pancake Day, Here Are 7 Pictures of Justin Bieber's Face on Pancakes

I think the title says it all, but today, March 1, 2011, is both Justin Bieber's 17th Birthday and IHOP's annual Free Pancake giveaway. Fellow Business Flannel blogger Dave already covered Bieber's birthday, and 5 million men wearing blue jean overalls have already covered the IHOP thing; but who is covering both?

Without further ado, in celebration of two great national holidays that are undoubtedly more important than anything else happening this winter, here are 7 pictures of Justin Bieber's face pasted onto pictures of pancakes:

The First Annual Business Flannel Award For Outstanding Picture of a Dog

Yesterday, The Atlantic's wonderful "In Focus" blog posted a collection of photographs from Afghanistan. Normally, we here at Business Flannel don't spend much time discussing the ongoing United States involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is not for lack of trying: the Business Flannel conference room, where we think up jokes and take money baths, has a large poster labeled "Iraq/Afghanistan" where our writers are encouraged to write up sketch ideas as they occur. So far all we have is "Afghan = person, also type of blanket??", but we're optimistic.

Our favorite photo from the "In Focus" was taken by AP photographer Dar Yasin, and bore the caption "An Afghan dog owner waits to take part in a dog fight in Kabul, Afghanistan, Friday, Feb. 18, 2011. Dog fighting is a popular pastime amongst Afghans during the winter season and the public matches are held every Friday, which is the official weekly holiday in Afghanistan."

Worried that the photo is going to be gruesome? Intimidated by the idea of a culture where dogfighting is a popular pastime, in much the same way that eating cookies while watching "60 Minutes" is a popular pastime in your country? Already laughing at the idea that an "Afghan dog owner" is a person, and also a type of blanket?

Well, forget everything you know about dog fighting photos, as I present The First Annual Business Flannel Award for Outstanding Picture of a Dog: