Sunday, February 27, 2011

What Time Do the Oscars Start Tonight?

The 83rd Academy Awards are live tonight in Hollywood. James Franco and Anne Hathaway are the unexpected, unorthodox co-hosts, and "The King's Speech" and "The Social Network" are considered to be neck-and-neck front-runners by many for Best Picture; but there is one question that seems to surpass them all, and it is this:

What time does this thing start?

Does anyone know? I was thinking, man, it's gotta be 8 o'clock, but that would mean it starts at 5 o'clock in California, which seems awfully early for Javier Bardem to be getting piss-drunk.

But then again, 9 P.M. would be too late of a start time for the East Coast, which contains New York, which contains the Jews, who control Hollywood, not to mention television.

Would the Oscars, the most important event of the year for a certain segment of people with meaningless lives, start at a fraction of an hour? 8:30? 8:45? 7:15? Surely not. What would a night of self-congratulatory, empty references to Egypt, Libya and "the rest of North Africa" mean on a telecast that begins anywhere on a time that does not end :00?

Someone, please tell me when the Academy Awards start. It is the number two trending search on Google ("academy awards time" (I am guessing, of course, this means "What time is the Academy Awards?" and not "It's Academy Awards time! Who does everyone have for Best Set Design?"))

In conclusion, please let me know the exact minute the Oscars begin. Because if I have to watch one single minute of the Red Carpet, I am going to flip. My. Wig.

A terrible drawing of Christian Bale wearing a shirt he definitely does own.

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