That’s right, today, March 1st, marks the 17th anniversary of the birth of Justin Bieber, worldwide pop music phenomenon. All of the trend forecasters have been predicting it: this holiday is going to be huge this year, and it is only getting bigger--
--or should I say, BIEBER?
I’m sure that you will all celebrate Bieber Day in the expected ways. Listening to “U Smile” on repeat. Wearing only purple in honor of his great Bieberness. Watching the matinee of “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never” and fondling yourself alone in the privacy of the empty darkness, since all of the kids will still be in school.
Anyway, like most major retail holidays, the true meaning of Bieber Day can get lost in all of the glitz and glam, so it is useful to quickly review five of the lessons we can learn from the Life of Justin Bieber.
- Jewish hip-hop managers will not hurt you, but you should probably check with your church elders just to be sure.
- The brightness of a star like Justin Bieber can distract us from some of the most inherent joys in life. For instance, the fact that Ludacris, a man who barely a decade ago was LITERALLY licking girls from their heads to their toes, is now singing about his 13-year-old first love and Starbucks. How’s that for street cred?
- When life gives you lemons, you should turn them into a free trip to North Korea.
- The best way to make money in our dog eat dog world is to release four different versions of every product you release. Take advantage of fanaticism—everything should be re-released in “2.0,” acoustic, and international compilation editions. Esperanza Spalding probably doesn't even have 4 million Twitter followers, much less 4 versions of any of her hobo-gypsy guitar ballads, or whatever she does.
- In today’s world full of constantly changing variables, the only surefire formula success is to become a viral YouTube phenomenon. Speaking of which, do me a favor and check out some of the wildly hilarious sketches on the Business Flannel YouTube Channel.