Monday, February 28, 2011

Charlie Sheen's "Today Show" Appearance Will Make You Forget the Miserable Dreck That Is Your Life

This morning Charlie Sheen -- anti-Semite cokehead jerkbag star of CBS' hit family show Two and a Half Men -- appeared on NBC's Today Show to defend his recent rant against Men creator and comedy-hater Chuck Lorre.

The, ahem, highlights:

  • He never once showed up to the set "drunk" or "loaded." I think this he deserves credit for this; he also deserves credit for never once showing up to the set being Jon Cryer.
  • He had showed up to the set "sideways" or not having slept, but it's okay because "it's not rocket science." If there are two words that I would not use describe Two and a Half Men, they would be rocket science. What's supposed to be wrong with this guy again? He recognizes  how terrible the writing on Two and a Half Men is, which is more than we can say for most of the moralizers following this story. I say give this man an Oscar, and if not an Oscar, than at least the hosting gig at the Oscars next year.
  • He wants a raise, from somewhere north of $2 million an episode to $3 million an episode, because of the (quote fingers) psychological distress caused by the ordeal. The guy was discovered ass naked in the lobby of the Plaza Hotel with a hooker in his room and a briefcase full of cocaine. I think he's making enough money.
  • He is tired of pretending he's not "bitchin', a total friggin' rock star from Mars." If they can't re-sign him, they should get David Bowie to play his character on the show. Also Jon Cryer should be replaced by Kirk Douglas. Now THAT'S a CBS sitcom I would watch.
  • Interviewer: "When was the last time you did drugs?" King Charles: "Don't remember. Don't care." The fact that he can't remember - at the earliest! - January 30 might be an indication that he has done too many drugs. [Note: too much drugs? Too many drugs? He's done lots of drugs and can't remember where he was two months ago, is the point.]
  • On whether or not he has anger issues: "My passion is often misinterpreted as anger...and I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering." Said the angry, angry, angry man.
  • Charlie Sheen is not an anti-Semite because he knows a lot of Jewish people--his manager, the man who happens to be interviewing him on The Today Show--lots of Jewish people.
  • He plans to win the war against CBS with "zeal, and focus, and violent hatred." When you say that you have "violent hatred" within you, people often misinterpret that as anger, too.
  • Charlie Sheen has tiger blood and Adonis DNA.
  • Charlie Sheen does not care for Alcoholics Anonymous.
  • Charlie Sheen does not care for Chuck Lorre.
  • Charlie Sheen does not care if his fans worry about him.
  • Charlie Sheen is a lunartic.
Tomorrow morning on Today, Charlie talks about his live-in girlfriends "the goddesses" and what Martin Sheen advised him to do. Not quite sure what he's going to say, but if fI had to bet, I would guess it's going to be batshit crazy egocentric Marlon-Brando-in-Apocalypse-Now nonsense speak.

Charlie Sheen in his favorite cocaine fedora.

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