The premise is this:
I am going to read every review that Pitchfork publishes for the week.
Whenever I have to stop in my reading and wonder what in the name of Pavement the author is talking about, I will copy and paste the portion of the review here.
And here we go.
What the Fork?!?!
January, Week 1
The most turgid, overwritten, pretentious, navel-gazing writing offered by Pitchfork reviewers for the week of January 3 - 7.
review of "Life of Love" by Callers:
Callers move in mysterious ways. The Brooklyn-by-way-of-New Orleans trio mixes a sort of jazzy folk with snatches of wildly disparate stuff like prog and slowcore, Eastern-flecked drone, gauzy 50s pop, turn-on-a-dime post-punk[...]Though the Callers album only received a 7.6 from Pitchfork, I have little doubt that it will be at or near the top of most lists for the best prog/slowcore/Eastern-flecked drone/1950s pop/turn-on-a-dime post-punk albums of the year.
2. From the review of "Fabric 55" by Shackleton:
In a home-listening context, it's often easier to file [Shackleton] alongside Coil and your Edward Gorey prints as Michael Mayer or Skream.Granted, Pitchfork reviewer Andrew Gaerig maintains a fairly complicated filing system.
3. From the review of "Utopia EP" by Jason Forrest:
Full disclosure: I have been licked by Jason Forrest. However, I'm probably not alone, as Forrest presumably tongue-bathed many a supporter in the mid-aughts while touring on the back of his two wonderfully spastic full-lengths, The Unrelenting Songs of the 1979 Post-Disco Crash and Shamelessly Exciting.Is this an eye-catching lede? Yes. Is "The Unrelenting Songs of the 1979 Post-Disco Crash" an album title I would have made up if attempting to mock the kind of album Pitchfork reviews? Yes.
4. From the review of "Kompilation" by Jurgen Paape:
Alongside fellow label co-owner Michael Mayer, Paape captures glints of nearly all of Kompakt's pop-minded adventurers: The wistful melancholia of Superpitcher, the utopian dazzle of Rex the Dog, the childlike openness of Justus Köhncke.The fleeting hatred of Lepton Firehose, the Plutonian camaraderie of Marianne Chickenladle...
5. From the review of "Seeds" by The Knife:
There were about 25 minutes of revelatory music buried in [Tomorrow, In a Year's] back half, but you had to wade through hair-raising atonal mezzo-soprano shrieking and grinding sheets of industrial noise to make it there[...]If I have to wade through what I assume to be hours of "atonal mezzo-soprano shrieking and grinding sheets of industrial noise" to find the good part of an album, that good part of the album better contain the fucking voice of God.
6. From the review of "In the House" by Tensnake:
While mainstream dance conquers the pop charts for the first time since the Jock Jams era (the Black Eyed Peas, David Guetta, etc.), the post-dubstep diaspora is challenging underground dance music's hold on its audience from the other direction. In the middle, the international polyglot of dance producers and DJs continues to build upon the trends of the past few years, reviving disco, 1980s boogie, Italo, Balearic beats, Detroit techno, and deep and acid house-- a constellation of sounds laid out in weekly Beats in Space podcasts.Hi, I'm Ira Glass, and this week on the Beats in Space podcast: 1980s boogie, Balearic beats, and the post-dubstep diaspora, coming up.
7. From the review of "Utopia EP" by Jason Forrest:
Only the closing "Goldbluff" satisfies one's classic Jason Forrest craving, combining classic rock carpet swatches-- a bit of Garth Hudson organ here, some Chicago Transit Authority horn stabs there-- and crafting a piece of violet, head-bobbing psychedelia that survives a late-term disintegration into bit-coreIn addition to containing one hell of a confusing image--What is a "classic rock carpet swatch"?--this Rob Mitchum opus is my "WHAT THE FORK?!?! Pitchfork Mumbo-Jumbo of the Week"!
This one sentence contains so much Pitchfork goodness, a near microcosm of confounding Pitch-prose:
- "One's classic Jason Forrest craving" (is this something that can be satisfied with a late-night run to the WaWa?)
- "A bit of Garth Hudson organ here, some Chicago Transit Authority horn stabs there" (raise your hand if you had to use a search engine to find out that "Garth Hudson" was the organist in The Band!)
- "violet psychedelia" (Is Rob Mitchum a synesthetic, or just at deadline and under word count?)
- "that survives a late-term disintegration into bit-core" (What is "bit-core," and how does a song "survive a late-term disintegration" into it? Is this clear to anyone? What is Rob Mitchum talking about? WHAT THE FORK?!?!)
That's it for this week. Have a good weekend, and remember, hipsters: please pay for your music.