Tuesday, March 22, 2011

New Blog

Wondering where we went? Business Flannel's writing and sketch comedy can now be found on our partner website, The Faster Times. Join us there! It's fun, promise!

http://thefastertimes.com/businessflannel/

Monday, March 7, 2011

Friday, March 4, 2011

24 Hour Clock on Funny Or Die

Business Flannel's newest sketch, 24 Hour Clock, another front page winner on Funny Or Die. Peep it.




Thursday, March 3, 2011

The 4 Best Charlie Sheen Spoof Videos on the Internet Right Now

Charlie Sheen's very public insanity already inspired a great deal of jokes, which is great, because I love jokes. And now, because everyone hates reading, there are video jokes in which we can bask and stupidize ourselves.


Here are my 4 favorites:


Winning! The Cologne - Late Night with Jimmy Fallon





Jimmy Fallon's Charlie Sheen impression is funny, especially the way he hits those "Winning!"s with exactly the right accent. Not on par with his incredible Pat O'Brien, but good. This skit from his Late Night with Jimmy Fallon show imagines a commercial for a Charlie Sheen cologne called (what else?) "Winning." Doubtless it is made from Tiger Blood (if not bits of real panther, so you KNOW it works).


Ellen Degeneres - New Receptionist




A non-obvious angle by Ellen is short and sweet. Well, a little bitter, but mostly sweet.


Charlie Sheen Dance Party





If you love hipster dance music (I'm looking at you, "Barbara Streisand" by Duck Sauce fanboys), and also Charlie Sheen ranting like an undermedicated lunatic, then this song just might be for you.


Coldplay's Charlie Sheen Tribute



Well, not really. But this song does feature piano and a singer with a high voice.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Rock McLobster

Move over financial crisis, Westboro Baptist Church (and its concomitant army of fag haters), and Libyans: today's biggest news is the fabled existence of a sandwich called the McLobster, which sounds like the punchline of a forgettable SNL tie-in sketch and, reportedly, looks like this:


This news raises some questions:
  1. Does the McLobster actually exist? The blogs are claiming that it does...in Canada. Which is like saying that it exists if you believe it does or exists only when you close your eyes or exists in the same way that Santa Clause does -- in the imaginations of children everywhere.
  2. Why does the McLobster exist? Don't they have enough other places to get lobster in Canada? Doesn't the Canadian government provide two lobsters a week to every Canadian citizen as part of its socialized healthcare system?
  3. Given the improbably nature of the McLobster, how many animals can McDonand's successfully Mc? Have we as a culture been underestimating the Mcability of bison, deer, and manatee?

The McLobster, combining as it does the highbrow tradition of Lobster with the working class Mc, is probably designed to appeal to everyone. This strikes me as a smart strategy. Keep an eye out for McOysters Rockefeller, Truffle McNuggets, and the VealMac ("Two all tender, baby cow patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun") in Quarter 3. You heard it here first.

Braves Rookie Freddie Freeman Looks Uncomfortably Like Sgt. Pyle in "Full Metal Jacket" After He Goes Crazy


Braves rookie first baseman Freddie Freeman and Vincent D'Onofrio in "Full Metal Jacket" after he goes crazy--separated at birth?

Here's hoping for the Braves that Freeman doesn't field first base like old people fuck.

[Photo @ ESPN].

Charlie Sheen + lolcats = lolcharliesheen

[Originally posted at The Faster Times].

Charlie Sheen's craziest quotes get lolcat-ified.

Kim Kardashian's New Song "Jam (Turn It Up)"? More like "Damn (Turn It Down)"

Kim Kardashian--who I am contractually obligated to note, as a writer, has a reality show, a sex tape, lots of money, a long last name, and, most of all, a big ol' butt--released a single this morning, thus joining fellow untalented heiress Paris Hilton (she of the incredibly annoying "Stars Are Blind" from 2006) as really rich women famous from reality shows who imagine themselves as American Idols.

And really, they are American Idols.

Like William Hung was! Heyoooooooo---

---here's the song, produced by Pitchfork favorite The-Dream(!), as heard on The Ryan Seacrest morning radio program, the most popular morning show for drivers commuting from the suburbs of Los Angeles to the third ring of Hell.

Take a listen:

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Judge, Won't You Please Throw the Book at Christina Aguilera?

We here in These United States pride ourselves on the protections that we afford accused criminals. Every American -- even those who have committed grievous crimes -- has the right to free speech, the right to buy guns in Walmart, and, in some states, the right to have sex with other criminals of the same gender in the privacy of their own home. Our Constitution also guarantees a right called habeas corpus, Latin for "you've got a great body", which prohibits bailiffs from flirting with prisoners. These, and other protections, are part of what make America great.

But when I heard that national disgrace Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication early yesterday morning, I was really hoping that law enforcement officials would ignore all of these rules and just lock her up forever, because I am very, very tired about hearing about Chrstina Aguilera.

Unfortunately, the policemen in question, unlike every single policeman on HBO's The Wire, did not try to invoke some trumped-up charge in order to take this menace off the streets. Says LA County Sherriff spokesman Steve Whitmore:

"We have no desire to prosecute, none whatsoever. It just for a public safety issue."

Take that, young black youths facing 15 year sentences for marijuana possession! We have no desire to prosecute Unbearable Harpy Christina Aguilera!

The article continues,
"As she got better, she just said, 'I would like to leave,'" says Whitmore, and deputies granted her request.

Great, guys. Great.
  1. It turns out that all you need to do to get un-arrested in LA is politely say "I would like to leave." What a friendly city!
  2. If LA's finest aren't even able to keep a confirmed public menace in custody for a single night, what are they capable of?
  3. If there's one thing I've learned from the six years I wasted watching Lost, it's that you should never listen to a man named Whitmore.

Hey boyfriend Matthew Rutler was also arrested, but I can say with some confidence that absolutely no one cares about him.

In Honor of Justin Bieber's Birthday and National Pancake Day, Here Are 7 Pictures of Justin Bieber's Face on Pancakes

I think the title says it all, but today, March 1, 2011, is both Justin Bieber's 17th Birthday and IHOP's annual Free Pancake giveaway. Fellow Business Flannel blogger Dave already covered Bieber's birthday, and 5 million men wearing blue jean overalls have already covered the IHOP thing; but who is covering both?

Without further ado, in celebration of two great national holidays that are undoubtedly more important than anything else happening this winter, here are 7 pictures of Justin Bieber's face pasted onto pictures of pancakes:

The First Annual Business Flannel Award For Outstanding Picture of a Dog

Yesterday, The Atlantic's wonderful "In Focus" blog posted a collection of photographs from Afghanistan. Normally, we here at Business Flannel don't spend much time discussing the ongoing United States involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is not for lack of trying: the Business Flannel conference room, where we think up jokes and take money baths, has a large poster labeled "Iraq/Afghanistan" where our writers are encouraged to write up sketch ideas as they occur. So far all we have is "Afghan = person, also type of blanket??", but we're optimistic.

Our favorite photo from the "In Focus" was taken by AP photographer Dar Yasin, and bore the caption "An Afghan dog owner waits to take part in a dog fight in Kabul, Afghanistan, Friday, Feb. 18, 2011. Dog fighting is a popular pastime amongst Afghans during the winter season and the public matches are held every Friday, which is the official weekly holiday in Afghanistan."

Worried that the photo is going to be gruesome? Intimidated by the idea of a culture where dogfighting is a popular pastime, in much the same way that eating cookies while watching "60 Minutes" is a popular pastime in your country? Already laughing at the idea that an "Afghan dog owner" is a person, and also a type of blanket?

Well, forget everything you know about dog fighting photos, as I present The First Annual Business Flannel Award for Outstanding Picture of a Dog:

Monday, February 28, 2011

Happy Bieber Day!

It has been a busy holiday season, I know. It’s easy to get swept up in Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, preparing for a Leap Year and then realizing that there is not actually a Leap Year this year. But let’s not forget the new holiday that is truly set to grow into the largest global holiday of them all - Justin Bieber Day. 

That’s right, today, March 1st, marks the 17th anniversary of the birth of Justin Bieber, worldwide pop music phenomenon. All of the trend forecasters have been predicting it: this holiday is going to be huge this year, and it is only getting bigger--

--or should I say, BIEBER?

I’m sure that you will all celebrate Bieber Day in the expected ways. Listening to “U Smile” on repeat. Wearing only purple in honor of his great Bieberness. Watching the matinee of “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never” and fondling yourself alone in the privacy of the empty darkness, since all of the kids will still be in school.

Just me?

Anyway, like most major retail holidays, the true meaning of Bieber Day can get lost in all of the glitz and glam, so it is useful to quickly review five of the lessons we can learn from the Life of Justin Bieber.
  1. Jewish hip-hop managers will not hurt you, but you should probably check with your church elders just to be sure.
  2. The brightness of a star like Justin Bieber can distract us from some of the most inherent joys in life. For instance, the fact that Ludacris, a man who barely a decade ago was LITERALLY licking girls from their heads to their toes, is now singing about his 13-year-old first love and Starbucks. How’s that for street cred?
  3. When life gives you lemons, you should turn them into a free trip to North Korea.
  4. The best way to make money in our dog eat dog world is to release four different versions of every product you release. Take advantage of fanaticism—everything should be re-released in “2.0,” acoustic, and international compilation editions. Esperanza Spalding probably doesn't even have 4 million Twitter followers, much less 4 versions of any of her hobo-gypsy guitar ballads, or whatever she does.
  5. In today’s world full of constantly changing variables, the only surefire formula success is to become a viral YouTube phenomenon. Speaking of which, do me a favor and check out some of the wildly hilarious sketches on the Business Flannel YouTube Channel.
So that’s that. Try not to forget the real meaning of the holiday this Bieber Day, March 1st, 2011.  It's not about commercialism, it's about Justin Bieber.  Today is the day that we celebrate the American dream...as realized by Canadians.

The Logo for the 2012 Olympic Games in London Is A Lot of Negative Things, But 'Racist' Is Not One of Them

From ESPN:

Iran objects to the logo for the 2012 London Olympics, contending it is racist because it resembles the word "Zion" and warning of a possible boycott of the Games.
...
In comments carried by the official IRNA news agency Monday, secretary general Bahram Afsharzadeh said the letter urges other Muslim states to oppose the "racist logo."
"There is no doubt that negligence of the issue from your side may affect the presence of some countries in the Games, especially Iran which abides by commitment to the values and principles," the letter said.
An horrific eyesore. A spazzed-out nightmare image from a bad acid trip. Potentially the first ironic post-nostalgia Olympic logo ever.

These are how I would label what can only be described as a hot mess of an Olympic emblem, the London 2012:

Please, don't blame the Jews for this, too.
That the Iranian government looks at this mess of a design and sees the word 'Zion' is perhaps unsurprising, as sometimes we all see what we want to see. I, for example, see a Dan Deacon papier-mâché meltdown, as well as, from the top-left going counter-clockwise, a woman on her knees who has been sliced in half at the torso, a pair of hot pink Spanx cutoffs worn high on the waist, a depressed earthworm hanging his head into his lap, and two empty pizza boxes from gay pizza chain Hot Papa's.

But the word 'Zion'? Well, no.

There are certain things that Iran could boycott that should give the Western, democratic world serious pause--nuclear disarmament talks, for example, or Middle East peace treaty conversations. Without Iran's participation, these events would be rendered useless, illegitimate, irrelevant.

But women's beach volleyball?

I think Misty May wouldn't lose much sleep over the legitimacy of her gold medal had Iran not participated.

So, sorry Iran. You aren't China; there are no Iranian Olympic training preschool cells throughout your country, and you don't totally rock at gymnastics, so find something else to complain about.

Or, on second thought, don't. Keep focusing on this. It is super, super important that Iran center all of its energy on this cause and nothing else. Find those hidden Zionism messages, Iran! Did you check "The King of Limbs"? Go go go go!

Charlie Sheen's "Today Show" Appearance Will Make You Forget the Miserable Dreck That Is Your Life

This morning Charlie Sheen -- anti-Semite cokehead jerkbag star of CBS' hit family show Two and a Half Men -- appeared on NBC's Today Show to defend his recent rant against Men creator and comedy-hater Chuck Lorre.

The, ahem, highlights:

  • He never once showed up to the set "drunk" or "loaded." I think this he deserves credit for this; he also deserves credit for never once showing up to the set being Jon Cryer.
  • He had showed up to the set "sideways" or not having slept, but it's okay because "it's not rocket science." If there are two words that I would not use describe Two and a Half Men, they would be rocket science. What's supposed to be wrong with this guy again? He recognizes  how terrible the writing on Two and a Half Men is, which is more than we can say for most of the moralizers following this story. I say give this man an Oscar, and if not an Oscar, than at least the hosting gig at the Oscars next year.
  • He wants a raise, from somewhere north of $2 million an episode to $3 million an episode, because of the (quote fingers) psychological distress caused by the ordeal. The guy was discovered ass naked in the lobby of the Plaza Hotel with a hooker in his room and a briefcase full of cocaine. I think he's making enough money.
  • He is tired of pretending he's not "bitchin', a total friggin' rock star from Mars." If they can't re-sign him, they should get David Bowie to play his character on the show. Also Jon Cryer should be replaced by Kirk Douglas. Now THAT'S a CBS sitcom I would watch.
  • Interviewer: "When was the last time you did drugs?" King Charles: "Don't remember. Don't care." The fact that he can't remember - at the earliest! - January 30 might be an indication that he has done too many drugs. [Note: too much drugs? Too many drugs? He's done lots of drugs and can't remember where he was two months ago, is the point.]
  • On whether or not he has anger issues: "My passion is often misinterpreted as anger...and I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering." Said the angry, angry, angry man.
  • Charlie Sheen is not an anti-Semite because he knows a lot of Jewish people--his manager, the man who happens to be interviewing him on The Today Show--lots of Jewish people.
  • He plans to win the war against CBS with "zeal, and focus, and violent hatred." When you say that you have "violent hatred" within you, people often misinterpret that as anger, too.
  • Charlie Sheen has tiger blood and Adonis DNA.
  • Charlie Sheen does not care for Alcoholics Anonymous.
  • Charlie Sheen does not care for Chuck Lorre.
  • Charlie Sheen does not care if his fans worry about him.
  • Charlie Sheen is a lunartic.
Tomorrow morning on Today, Charlie talks about his live-in girlfriends "the goddesses" and what Martin Sheen advised him to do. Not quite sure what he's going to say, but if fI had to bet, I would guess it's going to be batshit crazy egocentric Marlon-Brando-in-Apocalypse-Now nonsense speak.

Charlie Sheen in his favorite cocaine fedora.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

24 Hour Clock - Business Flannel



New from Business Flannel, just in time for the Oscars!

Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?

Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?
Is It Okay to Flush a Band-Aid Down the Toilet?


Is it okay? Are we okay? Is it okay? A Band-Aid in the toilet? Is it gonna be okay? That the Band-Aid is in the toilet? That within the toilet there is a Band-Aid? That a Band-Aid is floating on the water in the toilet? Soon to sink? Soon to be flushed? Soon to never return, into the pipes that connect to the toilet? The Band-Aid in the pipes? The pipes carrying a Band-Aid? The pipes that connect to the toilet that holds the Band-Aid?

Is it okay to flush a Band-Aid Down the toilet?

Separated at Birth: Mommar Qaddafi and This Picture of Will Ferrell as Mugatu from "Zoolander" That I Stretched Out Beyond Recognition?

Twins?

What Time Do the Oscars Start Tonight?

The 83rd Academy Awards are live tonight in Hollywood. James Franco and Anne Hathaway are the unexpected, unorthodox co-hosts, and "The King's Speech" and "The Social Network" are considered to be neck-and-neck front-runners by many for Best Picture; but there is one question that seems to surpass them all, and it is this:

What time does this thing start?

Does anyone know? I was thinking, man, it's gotta be 8 o'clock, but that would mean it starts at 5 o'clock in California, which seems awfully early for Javier Bardem to be getting piss-drunk.

But then again, 9 P.M. would be too late of a start time for the East Coast, which contains New York, which contains the Jews, who control Hollywood, not to mention television.

Would the Oscars, the most important event of the year for a certain segment of people with meaningless lives, start at a fraction of an hour? 8:30? 8:45? 7:15? Surely not. What would a night of self-congratulatory, empty references to Egypt, Libya and "the rest of North Africa" mean on a telecast that begins anywhere on a time that does not end :00?

Someone, please tell me when the Academy Awards start. It is the number two trending search on Google ("academy awards time" (I am guessing, of course, this means "What time is the Academy Awards?" and not "It's Academy Awards time! Who does everyone have for Best Set Design?"))

In conclusion, please let me know the exact minute the Oscars begin. Because if I have to watch one single minute of the Red Carpet, I am going to flip. My. Wig.

A terrible drawing of Christian Bale wearing a shirt he definitely does own.

Oscar Prediction: 1

It's snowing in Los Angeles for the first time in decades, which can only mean one thing: "Crash" is once again going to win Best Picture.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

"Countdown to Angus T. Jones' 18th Birthday" Is Web's Least Popular Website

NEW YORK - A website counting down to the 18th birthday of Angus T. Jones--the star of CBS' Two and a Half Men who is neither the anti-Semite cokehead nor the big-headed wimpy-man --is the least popular website on the entire Internet, according to data collected by traffic tracking service WebSense.

The site, www.angusjonescountdown, which simply features a picture of the portrayer of Jake Harper on the hit CBS show and a digital timer set to end the day that he "FINALLY BECOMES LEGAL," has had zero visitors since the day it was first started in 2003. No one has typed the link into their web browser, nor has anyone, of any age, sex, or nationality searched in Google, Bing, or any other search engine, a series of words that would indicate any anticipation for the day that Angus Jones finally becomes a legal young buck.

The creator of the website could not be reached for comment, as he is most likely hiding in a cave somewhere in Pakistan, am I right, you guys?

P.S. Angus T. Jones does indeed turn 18 later this year. Which fellow cast member do you think he wants to throw his birthday party?

Which One of These Is Not Like the Other?











"Hey, honey, what should we watch for family movie night this week?"

"Hmm, let's see what Netflix suggests!"

"Good idea!"

"Well, we already took the kids to see Up and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs while they were still in theaters...I'm afraid they're a little too young to read the subtitles on Ponyo...The Princess and the Frog we watched in the minivan on the trip to Disneyland...oh, here we go! SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND! Perfect!"

"The algorithm WORKS! Thanks, Netflix!"

I Write Strong

I was about two minutes into a foot massage in Bangkok when my masseuse, a plump, jolly, non-English-speaking old Thai woman asked me:

"You write songs?"

Having never met the woman before, and not having brought a guitar or grand piano into the parlor, I considered the question. I was dressed somewhat like a certain strain of Brooklynish hipster songwriter, in tight blue jeans and old Converses; I had written songs for a musical theater troupe in college; I had dabbled in preposterous fake rap lyrics on a semi-popular parody Twitter account. Which of these my masseuse was familiar with, however, was unclear, and I considered it quite, quite unlikely that she was referring to any of these, and so I decided to seek clarification:

"I...?" I asked, and then I arched my eyebrows just so, in the way that means, "The words you just spoke, though undoubtedly English, do not mean a thing to me.

"You like strong?" she asked, this time louder.

This made more sense. She was asking not whether I was a songsmith, based on some extremely irregular knowledge of my past, but rather whether I wanted her to vigorously knead my foot muscles.

"Yes! I like strong!" I answered confidently, pointing at my feet, then flexing my arm muscles like a bodybuilder, and then laughing at my foolishness.

Immediately she stopped massaging, stood up, and left the room.

"Oh no," I thought, "Is she going to bring in her bodybuilding friend to massage my feet," I worried, "Or perhaps a judge's gavel?" I hoped I had not offended her by saying that I wanted to be massaged strongly. It was a quite typical request, I thought, and besides, she had asked me whether or not I preferred strength, so I was hardly at fault.

My reverie was interrupted by a bossa nova rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, filling the silence of the massage parlor anteroom.

"Song, song," my plump massage smiled as she re-entered the room, pointing up to the ceiling to indicate the speakers she had activated. "You like songs!"

Yes, old pump Thai masseuse. I like songs. I also write songs. I also like strong. I have also been told I write strong.

I also spoke enough of Thai to have had the conversation in her native language, but hey man, I'm getting a foot massage, and all I want to do is, like, like strong songs and shite. My heart will go strong. My feet will go song. Strong, right? Foot massages.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Old News

From the New York times: Older Audience Makes Its Presence Known at the Movies.

I don't know about you, but I find this headline threatening. Usually when I think of someone Making Their Presence Known, I think about:

  1. Mob bosses Making Their Presence Known by killing a low-level employee of a rival family.
  2. That thing where you're talking about someone behind their back, and suddenly the person you're talking to gets all wide eyed and sort of half-nods with his chin as if to say, "she's standing right behind you," and then the person behind you clears her throat (even though her throat was really fine to begin with) and Makes Her Presence Known.
  3. Ghosts, spirits, dwarves, and such who make crop circles, fairy rings, etc. in order to Make Their Presence Known to the living.

What I don't think of when I hear "making their presence known" is my grandmother going to a movie and then falling asleep after 13 minutes, which is what happens. If that's what "making your presence known" means, then I have made my presence known at ballets, operas, and dozens of Econ 101 lectures.

Here's the photo and accompanying caption:

Caryn Eschen, right, is part of the older moviegoing audience that has begun to assert itself.

Look at this old woman asserting herself by engaging in the standard commercial activities which we, unburdened by the shackles of disgusting old age, also regularly engage in! Great day for the elderly of this proud nation.

I SAW THE SIGN

Just saw a sign at my local church:

"We believe in UFOs: unity, forgiveness, and outreach."

Those are some pretty weird names for alien spacecrafts, but it's good to see a church that's not afraid to admit it believes in extraterrestrials.

THOUGHT: If aliens were to practice a terrestrial religion, is there any chance they wouldn't be Zoroastrians?

YOUR TURN: What's the weirdest name for a flying saucer you've ever heard put forth by a religious organization?

Yeah, Take THAT McDonalds, Signed, Mark F. Bittman IN THA HOUSE

Mark Bittman, the NYT's foodie blogger, wrote an attack piece on McDonald's oatmeal. The thesis: it's bad for you. This isn't shocking, given that everything McDonald's is more concerned with being a profitable business than the dietary health of its customers; it is also not shocking that the New York Times published this investigative journalism, given that rich white people hate McDonald's.

I still can't get over this headline from the New York Times "opinionator" blog:

"How to Make Oatmeal . . . Wrong"

OH SNAP. IN YOUR FACE, MCDONALD'S!!!

I can totally imagine those jerk McDonald's execs reading this headline.

"Why, look here," they must have said upon seeing that an article had been written about their oatmeal. "It's a complimentary piece in the Times about our new hot cereal product, praising us for preparing the dish correc--WHAAAT???

Congratulations to Mark Bittman and the New York Times headline writers (who I can only imagine are some of the weirdest dudes and dudettes on the planet, given their past work - note to self--tumblr idea--"stupidnytimesheadlines.tumblr.com" - content: stupid NYTimes headlines, witty one-liners) for this Valley High insult of McDonald's.

Hey, Mark Bittman, I really liked your headline---NOT!

BOOM, roasted!

The Best of the Chicken That Answers Joke Setups With Logical Answers

http://www.ranker.com/list/the-absolute-best-of-the-anti-joke-chicken-meme/robert-wabash


I had never heard of the "Anti-Joke Chicken" meme before right now, but now that I have, I wanted to share it, with all of you. Because isn't that what Kuwaiti National Day (February 25, God Bless Kuwait) is all about?

The rapid-fire pacing of the jokes makes this all the better. It's like Gob reading out all of Michael's business ideas during his first day at Sitwell's.

"Yonkers" Is Bonkers


Warning: NSFAnywhere

This video is about two weeks old already, but I really wanted to use that title, so screw it. And no, my discovery that this rhyme is most prominently used in a children's book did not dissuade me at all.

The exact opposite of Tyler, The Creator's bonkers "Yonkers" video.
Above is the video for "Yonkers" by Tyler, the Creator, the hottest rapper with punctuation in his name going right now. Tyler, the Creator is the ringleader of the indie rap collective OFWGKTA (when writing about Tyler, the Creator, white music journalists are required to introduce him with the phrase "ringleader of the indie rap collective OFWGKTA," just as they are required to introduce Joanna Newsom as a "songstress.")

OFWGKTA stands for "Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All" (catchy, guys!), and they are straight "blowin' up" as a much-buzzed-about-by-Pitchfork appearance on Jimmy Fallon's used diaper of a late-night program.

(NOTE: there is a direct relationship between people's excitement over indie group Odd Future's appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show and the Arcade Fire's Best Album Grammy victory. I'll let you figure out what that is, but, hint, winning the album for Best Grammy is like winning a used diaper).

This is Odd Future capo (that's another word all white journalists must use when describing Tyler, The Creator: "capo") Tyler, the Creator's best rap and best video. It is intense, violent, disturbing, and in black-and-white. It's a good thing. No one has called Tyler a black Beatle, but the song does feature what appears to be a fucking roach.

TAGS: my mom won't like this video or song.

Monday, February 7, 2011

This Land Is Once Again Thailand

Some of you may know that I, Jason, spent last year living in Northern Thailand as an English teacher. A similar subset of you may also I know that I catalogued my experiences, revelations, and bowel movements on a little blog called This Land Is Thailand, the entire contents of which can be found in the archive of this, the Business Flannel, blog.

This Land Is Thailand was so popular (earning praise from outlets such as Le Monde and Short Hair Magazine, as well as (rather puzzlingly) making Peter Travers's list of the 10 Greatest Films of 2009) that I knew that I would have to revisit it some day, just as The Rembrandts know that at each concert they must play "I'll Be There For You ("Friends" Theme)," or like how Thomas Friedman knows he has to make a totally incoherent metaphor involving a burrito every column.

And so I am back, for three weeks, to catalogue the inanities and mundanities and insanities (and, most of all, the vanities) of being a white person (and more specifically, a white person who is also an intellectual elitist douchenozzle) in Thailand.

Here are some highlights of the first two days:

1. NI HAO, I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION


Because I am a quote-unquote artist, I had to search for the cheapest flight to Thailand possible, which was an Air China (not to be confused with Hooters Airline, Air 'Gina) flight that happened to include a 17 hour layover in Beijing.

Not wanting to shell out too many yuans (speaking of which, hey, China, yuanna raise your interest rates and stop artificially deflating your currency?), I opted to spend the night at PEK, which I always thought stood for Penis Enlargement Kreme, a failed donut shop product spinoff of the late 90s, but which is apparently also the Beijing airport code.

Staying in the ticketing area of a Chinese airport went as smoothly as you might imagine it would: the internet was down; the temperature hovered around the freezing point; and I could only find a sleeping bench next to the escalator, which was constantly screaming at everyone who used it that night to BE CAREFUL MIND THE STEP [in Chinese], to which all passengers found it necessary to scream back. It's refreshing to know that the Chinese are in such healthy dialogue with their technology.

Mercifully this died down around 1 AM and the airport became quiet and empty. I took two Tylenol PM and laid down on my bench to sleep. And I did. And the pain of being alive at that moment drifted away into darkness...

...only to reappear two hours later, when I was awoken by a Chinese girl of about 17 on the bench across from mine, on her cell phone, sobbing uncontrollably, yelling at the top of her lungs in between gulps and gasps at the person on the other end of the line. I can only imagine what she was upset about (CAN YOU BELIEVE "LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS" WASN'T NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE???), but I can describe the volume and demeanor perfectly: just imagine the Chinese-dubbed version of "Anchorman," during the scene in which Will Ferrell is in the phone booth crying and screaming about being stuck in a glass case of emotion.




And this is what woke me up. At 3 in the morning. In sub-zero temperatures. On a bench. In the Beijing airport. Next to the escalator.

Dying.

I was not able to fall back asleep the rest of the night, as this went on for 30 more minutes. Feel free to play that clip 10,800 times to get a sense of what my night was like.

2. DO GET A DICTIONARY


I made it to Thailand without incident. One of the first things I saw was a merchant on the street, the owner of a clothing shop, organizing her inventory for the day. She was a Thai, about 35 years old, wearing a lovely black and pink knee-length dress.

Well, the dress was almost lovely, at least, save the English words that were printed on the butt of the dress. I stood in the middle of the sidewalk staring agape at her rear end and the words there printed:

DO PLAY
DO EAT
DONUTS

No thank you, Thai woman. No thank you.

3. OR NOT SO GOOD


File this under "Non-Native English Speakers Attempting Puns."

The name of a bar near my gracious host Elena's apartment building:

Sofa, So Good

Even Kevin Costner doing his absolute worst Boston accent doesn't pronounce "sofa" like "so far." I'm headed over there now to request an audience with the management to explain the problem, and to attempt to convince them to change their name to a more accurate and relevant pun:

Shofar, So Good

Now THAT'S a jokey bar name that everyone can get behind.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Absolutely Won't Murder You.

As a single man in this crazy mixed-up world of ours, it can be hard to meet that special someone. Luckily, online dating services like E-Harmony and JDate are around to take the human interaction out of human interaction. With that in mind, I've made my first foray into the world of online dating using the free service, OKCupid.

Crafting my profile, though, I needed something that would stand out. The specter of the Craigslist Killer and To Catch A Predator still looms large over the internet, and while I know that I'm just about the best guy around, my charms can be lost behind the electronic veil of fear that separates man from his fellow man on the internet. I needed a potential love interest to know that, under no circumstances, would I murder them.

So I made "IWontMurderYou."

And what do you know? People seem to dig the fact that I won't murder them. Responses range from coy (";)") to warm ("I LOVE not murdering people! We should meet up and do it together sometime!") to slutty ("Wanna meet up", "You can come over and not murder me anytime ;)") to unprintable.

Looks like I'm going to be not murdering anybody tonight!!!

UPDATE: It looks like OKCupid took issue with my stance on not murdering and took down the profile. Luckily, it's been archived.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Circle of Death Rules, 2010 Edition

The philosopher George Santayana once wrote, “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Since you’re going to be playing drinking games in 2011 anyway, why not use those drinking games to learn from the history of 2010 and not repeat last year’s mistakes? By using these 2010-specific Circle of Death (or “Kings,” or “King Cup,” etc.) rules, you can do just that, getting drunk and educated at the same time.

Circle of Death Rules (2010 Edition)

TWO is JetBlue. You’re JetBlue Flight Attendant Steven Slater. Curse someone out, steal their drink, take a sip, and then storm away from the table with middle fingers extended.  

THREE is BP. Spill as much of your drink into anyone else’s mouth for as long as you want. While you are spilling, blame another person at the table, who then has to drink once. If the person whose mouth is being spilled into starts to choke, apologize, but don’t stop spilling.

FOUR is Four Lokos. Have 4 sips of your drink, and also 4 spoonfuls of sugar. Passing out two hours before everyone else is optional.

FIVE is FIFA World Cup. Everyone heartily toasts this person once, and then totally ignores him until the next 5 is drawn. Anyone who talks to or about the person who drew the FIFA World Cup card after the initial toast must drink, as he is a social outcast and a weirdo.

SIX is Dick Pics. You’re Brett Favre. Take a picture of your drink with your phone and send it to one other player. Whoever receives the picture message must take a drink, but only a really, really small one.

SEVEN is ‘Zona. You are the Arizona sobriety officer. At any time, “arrest” anyone who looks to you like he might be sober and make them drink.

EIGHT is LBJ. You are LeBron James. Declare that you are bringing your talents to South Beach, take a drink with two of your friends, and then stand on your chair and tell the rest of the table to suck it.

NINE is Chilean mines. The last person to get out of his seat and lay flat on the floor must drink. This person must also lay flat on the floor until the next 9 is drawn. He can still participate in the game, however, by calling someone at the table and being put on speakerphone.

TEN is Julian. You are Julian Assange, head of WikiLeaks. Tell a secret about anyone at the table. That person must then drink however much they feel the ‘leak’ merited; if the leak is really bad, that person will want to drink a lot, anyway.

JACK is Barack. You’re the Rulemaster! Make any rule you want.

QUEEN is Congress. You must propose a rule totally opposed to the current Rulemaster’s Rule. Until the Queen and the Jack agree on a compromise, everyone else is screwed over and must drink every time a card is drawn.

KING is Kanye. All of your sentences must begin with “I”; if you don’t begin a sentence with “I” or talk about how rich and/or miserable you are, drink.

ACE is Eyjafjallajokull, the Icelandic volcano. For the first three aces, he who drew the ace pours  as much beer as they want into the center cup or the “crater.” When the last ace is drawn, he who drew that ace pours all of the beer into his mouth, holds it there, and then spews it straight up into the air. This is, as you might imagine, the end of the game.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Fake Das Racist is the new Fake Kool G Rap

This has absolutely nothing to do with Fake Das Racist, but I haven't been so excited by a Twitter feed since my mother joined:


I can't confirm this, but I'm pretty sure FakeDasRacist is is Banksy's new side project.

Also, this will probably only make sense and/or be funny if you listen to indie rap group Das Racist. Fair warning.

Check it out:

Monday, January 17, 2011

In Which YouTube Users Estimate the Number of Other YouTube Users Who Cannot Dougie

What follows is simply a reverse chronological list of six days worth of comments I found on the official video for Cali Swag District's "Teach Me How to Dougie" that attempt to become one of the top comments by simply commenting on the correlation between the number of people who dislike the video and those who do not know how to dougie.

Presented without, ahem, comment:

Friday, January 14, 2011

Wordle of the Lyrics in My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy


Out of curiosity, I plugged all of the lyrics to Kanye West's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" into Wordle and this is what I got. Maybe the album should have been called "Know Ridiculous Lights."

Uh, maybe not.

What the Fork?!?! - January, Week 2

[For last week's inaugural WHAT THE FORK?!?!, click here]
This was a very good week for totally inexplicably pretentious authorial choices and references to musical movements I didn't know existed. Let's get right to it with three quotes from Pitchfork's first review of the week, the big front page story on the Monday Hipster Times, (1.) Jess Harvell's review of Gatekeeper's Giza EP:

Last year, around the time Salem were causing such an online ruckus by marrying exploitation movie aesthetics to plodding beats, Pitchfork contributor Philip Sherburne wrote a piece on his blog that attempted to link the vogue for "witch house" to a wider trend toward dark, dank electronic music. He cast a wide net, from the krautrock-ish Emeralds to the haunted sound of post-Burial dubstep.

Salem caused "an online ruckus"? Do they have anything to do with WikiLeaks?

Also, LOL at Sherburne for trying to link the vogue for "witch house" with krautrock-ish Emeralds and post-burial dubstep. What a dumbshit.

Gatekeeper combine elements of mid-period Cabaret Voltaire (the eerie, unintelligible sampled moans and growls)

But how am I to think of mid-period Cabaret Voltaire and only think of the eerie, unintelligible sampled moans?!? Am I meant to simply discard the other hallmarks of mid-period Cabaret Voltaire?!? An undue burden has been placed upon the reader!

 the most sinister stalking-you-down-a-dark-alley strains of Detroit techno (think Suburban Knight more than Derrick May)

I almost always think Suburban Knight more than Derrick May, so no problem there.

 and the on-the-cheap choral grandeur of every keyboard-owning "composer" ever tasked to rip off Vangelis' score for Blade Runner.

"Keyboard-owning "composer" tasked to rip off Vangelis' score for Blade Runner" was actually my Halloween costume last year; second most common costume in NYC after Chilean miner.

The vibe of Giza is pure suburban hoodrat thrills, over-amped electronic music made for teenage metalheads playing coin-op games in grotty strip mall arcades.

Little known industry secret: Conan lost The Tonight Show because he just wasn't drawing in the teenage-metalheads-playing-coin-op-games-in-grotty-strip-mall-arcade demographic like executives thought he would.

(2.) From Nick Neyland's review of Ducktails III: Arcade Dynamics by Ducktails:

The uptick in bedroom musicians slotting cassette tapes into dusty four-tracks and coating their music with thick layers of distortion reached its apogee in the past year. It's difficult to sift through any music content online without stumbling across reams of opaque artists blurring out the world, many of whom were tied together under the "hypnagogic pop" banner. 

Is it difficult though?

(3.) From Patrick Sisson's review of Prefuse 73/Jaytram/Epstein by Prefuse 73/Jaytram/Epstein (let's ignore the name of the album/artist and go straight into the review):

The Brooklyn-by-way-of-Florida beatmaker and sound artist [Roberto Carlos Lange] isn't exactly an unknown. He's released albums as Helado Negro, participated in Guillermo Scott Herren's Savath y Savalas project, produced Bear in Heaven's latest album, and collaborated with Juliana Barwick, among other projects.

He's also a regular on the popular local game show Williamsburg Squares.

(4.) From Andrew Gaerig's review of Bangs & Works, Vol. 1: A Chicago Footwork Compilation by Various Artists:

Let's be clear: footwork, or footwurk, or footwerk is not blowing up. Not like dubstep or electroclash or hyphy blew up.

What about futwhark?

There is little question why footwork evolved in Chicago: House music birthed the raunchier, uptempo ghetto house (or "juke"), which in turn led to the stripped-for-parts footwork sound. 

This, in fact, answered all of my questions as to why footwork evolved in Chicago.

Unlike, say, house music, which has been refracted into a million directions, Bangs & Works will sound homogenous and alien on first listen (remember back to your first listen to Run the Road or Favela Booty Beats; shit's going to start off a little annoying). 

Try though I may, I cannot remember my first listens to Run the Road or Favela Booty Beats, nor am I totally convinced that these are actual works of music.

(5.) From Joe Tangari's review of A Young Person's Guide to Kyle Bobby Dunn by Kyle Bobby Dunn:

It may seem as though I'm comparing listening to his music to watching paint dry (and to some people, that's probably what the glacially shifting 17-minute drone "Butel" will seem like), but it really is interesting, involving music for fans of ambient drone.

Do any other ambient drone fans out there think "Butel" could have been longer and more glacial, or just me?

(6.) From Philip Sherburne's review of Imaginary Softwoods by Imaginary Softwoods:

That outlier status has helped bring the album to the fore in a catalog that's strewn with cassette and CD-R releases, enough to overwhelm all but the most obsessive fan. It was originally released as a triple cassette on Cleveland's Wagon label in 2008; in 2009, Wagon re-issued it in a CD-R edition of 100 and Digitalis snuck out 150 copies on double vinyl. Finally, late last year, Digitalis brought out a more plentiful vinyl edition, remastered by James Plotkin (who also mastered Emeralds' and Oneohtrix Point Never's recent albums for Editions Mego) and cut at Berlin's Dubplates and Mastering Studios.

I actually have one of Imaginary Softwood's first releases, recorded on a Yak Bak in Fort Lauderdale. 

It's not hard to connect this self-titled album from his Imaginary Softwoods alias to Emeralds or any of Elliott's other projects, like Mist (with Sam Goldberg) and Outer Space. All 12 tracks are based on synthesizers, sequencers, and sound-sculpting effects, and they nod to a vast realm of ambient electronic music, from Krautrock's "kosmische" contingent to Kevin Drumm and Tim Hecker

Q: How much acid do you have to do to exist in a "vast realm of ambient electronic music?"
A: A LOT OF ACID

That's all for this week's WHAT THE FORK?!?! Have fun this weekend, and don't get lost in a vast realm of ambient electronic music -- you may never return.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The New Orleans Saints Had a Rough Weekend

[Note: I wrote this on Sunday but for one reason or another it was never published on my new home, EvilChili. Here it is anyway, no longer topical ya'll]

The sports world and the city of New Orleans were shocked on Saturday when the 11-4 Saints lost to 7-9 Seattle Seahawks in the first round of the NFL playoffs, marking the first time a team with a losing record has ever won a playoff game. Though the loss was embarrassing, it was only the first of several humiliations to befall the Saints this weekend. Just a take a look at these other headlines from this Monday's New Orleans Times-Picayune:







Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me (A Capella Cover)



Britney's back, and so is Business Flannel!

LYRICS


Hey over there
Please forgive me
If I’m coming on too strong
Hate to stare
But you’re winning
And they’re playing my favorite song

So come here
A little closer
Wanna whisper in your ear
Make It clear
Little question
Wanna know just how you feel

If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

Cause you feel like paradise
I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I Am Not Well Enough Acquainted With My Favorite Rappers To Call Them By Their Nicknames

Buster Rhymes

Jayden-Z

Walker Flocka Flame

Nicholas Minaj

Ghostface Killbourne

Thomas-Pain

Ludwigcris

Bigothy Smalls

Snoop Douglas

Saturday, January 8, 2011

What the Fork?!?! - January, Week 1

I'd like for this to be a weekly segment (and perhaps the only segment, now that my work is to be featured on penis joke website EvilChili).

The premise is this:

I am going to read every review that Pitchfork publishes for the week.

Whenever I have to stop in my reading and wonder what in the name of Pavement the author is talking about, I will copy and paste the portion of the review here.

It's simple.

And here we go.

*

What the Fork?!?!
January, Week 1


The most  turgid, overwritten, pretentious, navel-gazing writing offered by Pitchfork reviewers for the week of January 3 - 7.
1. From the review of "Life of Love" by Callers:
Callers move in mysterious ways. The Brooklyn-by-way-of-New Orleans trio mixes a sort of jazzy folk with snatches of wildly disparate stuff like prog and slowcore, Eastern-flecked drone, gauzy 50s pop, turn-on-a-dime post-punk[...]
Though the Callers album only received a 7.6 from Pitchfork, I have little doubt that it will be at or near the top of most lists for the best prog/slowcore/Eastern-flecked drone/1950s pop/turn-on-a-dime post-punk albums of the year.

2. From the review of "Fabric 55" by Shackleton:
 In a home-listening context, it's often easier to file [Shackleton] alongside Coil and your Edward Gorey prints as Michael Mayer or Skream. 
Granted, Pitchfork reviewer Andrew Gaerig maintains a fairly complicated filing system.


3. From the review of "Utopia EP" by Jason Forrest:
Full disclosure: I have been licked by Jason Forrest. However, I'm probably not alone, as Forrest presumably tongue-bathed many a supporter in the mid-aughts while touring on the back of his two wonderfully spastic full-lengths, The Unrelenting Songs of the 1979 Post-Disco Crash and Shamelessly Exciting.
Is this an eye-catching lede? Yes. Is "The Unrelenting Songs of the 1979 Post-Disco Crash" an album title I would have made up if attempting to mock the kind of album Pitchfork reviews? Yes.


4. From the review of "Kompilation" by Jurgen Paape:
Alongside fellow label co-owner Michael Mayer, Paape captures glints of nearly all of Kompakt's pop-minded adventurers: The wistful melancholia of Superpitcher, the utopian dazzle of Rex the Dog, the childlike openness of Justus Köhncke.
 The fleeting hatred of Lepton Firehose, the Plutonian camaraderie of Marianne Chickenladle...


5. From the review of "Seeds" by The Knife:
There were about 25 minutes of revelatory music buried in [Tomorrow, In a Year's] back half, but you had to wade through hair-raising atonal mezzo-soprano shrieking and grinding sheets of industrial noise to make it there[...]
If I have to wade through what I assume to be hours of "atonal mezzo-soprano shrieking and grinding sheets of industrial noise" to find the good part of an album, that good part of the album better contain the fucking voice of God.


6. From the review of "In the House" by Tensnake:
While mainstream dance conquers the pop charts for the first time since the Jock Jams era (the Black Eyed Peas, David Guetta, etc.), the post-dubstep diaspora is challenging underground dance music's hold on its audience from the other direction. In the middle, the international polyglot of dance producers and DJs continues to build upon the trends of the past few years, reviving disco, 1980s boogie, Italo, Balearic beats, Detroit techno, and deep and acid house-- a constellation of sounds laid out in weekly Beats in Space podcasts.
Hi, I'm Ira Glass, and this week on the Beats in Space podcast: 1980s boogie, Balearic beats, and the post-dubstep diaspora, coming up.

7. From the review of "Utopia EP" by Jason Forrest:
Only the closing "Goldbluff" satisfies one's classic Jason Forrest craving, combining classic rock carpet swatches-- a bit of Garth Hudson organ here, some Chicago Transit Authority horn stabs there-- and crafting a piece of violet, head-bobbing psychedelia that survives a late-term disintegration into bit-core  
In addition to containing one hell of a confusing image--What is a "classic rock carpet swatch"?--this Rob Mitchum opus is my "WHAT THE FORK?!?! Pitchfork Mumbo-Jumbo of the Week"!


This one sentence contains so much Pitchfork goodness, a near microcosm of confounding Pitch-prose:
  1. "One's classic Jason Forrest craving" (is this something that can be satisfied with a late-night run to the WaWa?)
  2. "A bit of Garth Hudson organ here, some Chicago Transit Authority horn stabs there" (raise your hand if you had to use a search engine to find out that "Garth Hudson" was the organist in The Band!)
  3. "violet psychedelia" (Is Rob Mitchum a synesthetic, or just at deadline and under word count?)
  4. "that survives a late-term disintegration into bit-core" (What is "bit-core," and how does a song "survive a late-term disintegration" into it? Is this clear to anyone? What is Rob Mitchum talking about? WHAT THE FORK?!?!)
That's it for this week. Have a good weekend, and remember, hipsters: please pay for your music.