Thursday, December 9, 2010

Why, Hello, You Must Be Here for Aubrey Plaza Nips

Like any good webmaster, I frequently check my site's analytics and referring keyword searches in order to optimize traffic flow, expand my click-through viewership, and maximize buzz by driving word-of-mouth from relevant influencers. It is thus with some sadness and disappointment that I announce to the shareholders that, in the past week alone, two readers have reached this site by typing "aubrey plaza nips" into their search engine.

First, some backstory on Aubrey Plaza nips--who Aubrey Plaza is, what "nips" are and are not, what "Aubrey Plaza nips" do and do not describe, and why an Internet traveler may find himself (or, DADT repeal be damned, herself) on the Business Flannel website after searching for "Aubrey Plaza nips."

1) Aubrey Plaza is probably best known as April on NBC's Parks and Recreation (if you don't know which character is April, just imagine the one that is almost exactly like Daria from the MTV cartoon, except a human). Aubrey was also a live-action version of Ms. Morgendorffer in Funny People, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and the best Sarah Silverman impression in Internet history:

2) Some of you best know the word "nips" as the versatile transitive verb meaning, among other things, "to pinch," "to bite," and "to check (as growth)," etc.; others associate it with a squarish cheesy cracker best enjoyed as an 8-year-old; still others know it as a now-defunct ethnic slur for the Japanese during World War II (though admittedly "Nips" was always the Ed McMahon to "Japs"'s Johnny Carson).

And yet I do not think (though I am not an expert in such things) that people are searching for Aubrey Plaza commemorative Cheese Nips (unless they have become the Wheaties of dry comedy), nor do I imagine anyone is in the market for photo-shopped images of Aubrey Plaza painted onto a war-era anti-Japanese propaganda poster next to a yellow-skinned big-toothed Tojo ("Loose Lips Sink Ships, or Whatever. i don't know.")

Nips, in this sense (unless my three years as a middle schooler taught me nothing at all) means "nipples." Business Flannel has become an outpost for weirdos looking for pictures of Aubrey Plaza's nipples. Aubrey Plaza--television and movie star, rising comedienne, philanthropist--and her nips are driving traffic to this site. Two views in the last week alone--and who knows but that those views came from Lorne Michaels and Andy Samberg?

3) Why, then, should this have occurred? Well, a cursory Internet search of the phrase "Aubrey Plaza nips" reveals that my post on George Costanza's strange nipples, coupled with Dan Abromowitz's earlier post on activities he would enjoy partaking in with Aubrey Plaza, has made this site Google's number 10 search result for the actress' lady-teats. Though "Aubrey Plaza nips" did not appear as a phrase in any one blog post, the title to Dan's Aubrey Plaza-themed post appeared on the blog archive next to my Costanza-nipple manifesto. And thus the trail was begun, not for one person searching for Aubrey Plaza nips, but for TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE in this world searching for Aubrey Plaza nips.

The question for a webmaster and troupe promoter becomes, then, this: does the target demographic of Business Flannel sketch comedy overlap at all with the kind of person who scours the Internet for real live topless Aubrey Plaza photos and is so desperate to see Aubrey Plaza nude (REAL!!) that he (or she) clicks on the web address of a site called "Business Flannel" with the page title "Update on George Costanza's Nipples" in the hopes that, somehow, some way, by some miracle, embedded in the site's labyrinthine structure will be some hot Aubrey Plaza nip photography?

That is, in fact, our target demographic. I'd show you our marketing plan, but I don't want to give too much away (also part of our target demographic: people searching for "wet circle jerk"). To those coming up dry in their searches, I say this: enjoy "Family Meeting," Aubrey Plaza titty-hunters. It may not be Aubrey Plaza nips, but it's pretty darn...well, I have no idea. Just watch the video:


  1. so do u have pics of her nips r not?

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  3. By what stretch of the imagination can you call this page cogent to the fact that Aubrey Plaza [snort] [cough, cough] ... I couldn't get through that with a straight face(or any other kind of face for that matter). You know, they say that non sequitur is the lowest form of humor next to sarcasm, but I think they're right, don't you? Everyone poops! Get it right, gals!