Monday, December 20, 2010

BREAKING: Congress, President Obama Agree to Eat Lunch at Joe's Crab Shack

WASHINGTON D.C.-- At 10:57 P.M. tonight, and after hours of intense negotiation, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that the President and Congressional Republicans had agreed to eat lunch at Joe's Crab Shack.

BARACK OBAMA
So we agree to eat lunch at Joe's Crab Shack, right?

JON KYL
Yes. Though it's not either of our first choices, nor even a top preference, at least we can agree that at least someone will be happy with at least a bite of their meal there.

BARNEY FRANK
I don't eat seafood you fucking assholes.

JOHN BOEHNER
Well excuse me if I didn't want to eat at that frou-frou organic vegetarian restaurant again.

BARNEY FRANK
Just because a restaurant is not part of a chain does not make it frou-frou or organic. Or vegetarian. They served steak, chicken, and fish.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Did they serve filet mignon?

BARNEY FRANK
No.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Then I don't want to eat there.

BARNEY FRANK
You know I don't eat seafood.

BARACK OBAMA
Now let's stop the bickering, fellas, and just try to get excited about our lunch at Joe's Crab Shack.

NANCY PELOSI
It's almost 11 P.M.

BARACK OBAMA
Yes, but it was lunchtime when we started talking about it.

NANCY PELOSI
Just because we started talking about it at lunchtime doesn't make it lunch.

RON PAUL
The voters sent a clear message this past November, and that message is this: Congress should not be eating at Olive Garden anymore. 

HARRY REID
No one even suggested that we eat the Olive Garden. It was never even a possibility.

RON PAUL
I've been in this great body for over four decades, and even when it wasn't a popular decision not to eat at the Olive Garden--even when I was the lonely 'one' in a 434-1 vote in favor of eating at the Olive Garden--I always held my ground, as eating at the Olive Garden is not explicitly allowed by the U.S. Constitution.

HARRY REID
The Olive Garden didn't exist when the Constitution was written, how could eating there be explicitly allowed?

RON PAUL
The American government should not be spending the American people's money at Olive Garden at a time of such extreme deficit.

HARRY REID
The CBO has said that eating at the Olive Garden would have actually reduced American debt over the next five years.

A beat.

RON PAUL
Unlimited breadsticks is socialism.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Bad news. It's 11:30 PM and Joe's Crab Shack closed two hours ago. Also, we never figured out what to do  about emergency healthcare funding for 9/11 first responders.

JOHN MCCAIN
Forget it, let's get Wendy's drive-thru.

SENATORS
O-kay!

BARACK OBAMA
[Is silent].

Blackout.





ACT II



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