Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Kennedy Center Honors

Last night, the annual Kennedy Center Honors were held, and Chris Rock did some funny jokes about Michelle Obama. Barack laughed at the time, but today intelligence sources (read: I) believe that Chris Rock has been "taken care of." Don't mess with democracy, bitch.

Anyway, the honorees included:
The ceremony went well enough, but personally, I think it's a little rude of Bobby, Jack, and Teddy to not show up. They didn't even send a card.

Monday, December 27, 2010

THIS WEEK IN RACISM

In this week's edition of THIS WEEK IN RACISM, we turn to Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, who has some hilariously un-PC things to say about how much better the Chinese are than Americans. On the NFL's decision to cancel a football game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Minnesota Vikings because of excessive snowfall:

"My biggest beef is that this is part of what's happened in this country," Rendell said. "I think we've become wussies." 
"We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything," Rendell added. "If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."
Oh, those Chinese, always marching, always doing calculus. No doubt that the Shanghai Eagles would have played the Guangzhou Vikings regardless of the inclement weather, and all of the football players probably would have been doing calculus in their heads the entire game, too. That's what Chinese people do. I once dated a Chinese girl; once I tried to start a conversation that wasn't about calculus, so she marched. [Cf. Kanye West - "So Appalled"]. I have also heard that in China, all of the months are called "March," except for October, which is called "Calculus."

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabiao could not be reached for comment as he was too busy marching and doing calculus.

The Best Puns on "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark"

Here at Business Flannel, we've enjoyed following the Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark bumblesh*t just as much as anyone else whose relative is not in the show. That's why we are proud to announce what we hope will eventually be the definitive place to find puns on the title of the new Spider-Man broadway show. This list will be crowd-sourced, so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

Right now the list is small, but with your help, we can grow it to be as long as the non-liability clause in the contract all Spider-Man actors have to pay!

The Best Puns on Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Show
Spider-Man: Turn Off the Common Sense
Spider-Man: Turn On the X-Rays
Spider-Man: Turn On the Neck Injuries
Julie Taymor: Turn Yourself In
Spider-Man: Turn-Offs - Smoothness, Actor Safety
Spider-Man: Turn On 5th Avenue to Get to Mount Sinai
Spider-Man: Turn On the House Lights So We Can Assess the Damage
Spider-Man: Turnout in the Audience Is Likely Motivated by Schadenfraude
Spider-Man: Turn Around (Every Now and Then the Safety Mechanisms Fall Apart)
Spider-Man: Turn $70 Million into a Confusing, Dangerous Spectacle
Spider-Man: Turns Out Solving World Hunger Is Not Bono's Top Priority
Spider-Man: Turn Your Head and Cough, I Think Your Fall May Have Caused A Hernia
Spider-Man: Turn to Your Fellow Audience Members and Ask If That Was Supposed to Happen

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Rapiest Version of "Baby It's Cold Outside"

If there is any question as to which version of "Baby It's Cold Outside" is the rapiest, cease your arguing: this is the rapiest version of "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Friday, December 24, 2010

America's Most Dangerous Jobs of 2010

December means a lot of things--snow, family, Christmas--but for me, December has always been most exciting because of all the end-of-the-year lists that come out! That's why this morning was extra exciting for me, as the Bureau of Labor Statistics released its annual countdown of America's most dangerous jobs--and as an added bonus, there was even a brand new number one this year! Check it out:

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hey Thailand, Let's Cool Down the Hitler Videos, Huh?

As some of you may know, I used to live in Thailand, and I have almost nothing but fond memories of it. This music video from Thai punk-ish band "Slur", however, is not great:


Now, the video does offer a disclaimer beforehand assuring us that the video "has no intentions to insult any individual or groups," but this is basically the "no homo" of disclaimers. Bad news for Slur: dressing up like Nazis is probably gonna insult (and, more likely, I would wager, offend) most people that, say, saw their families killed by the very Nazis you dress as. If it's not okay for Prince Harry to do (sorry, ladies), then it is certainly not kosher (sorry, everyone) for a Thai punk band to.

Might I suggest sticking to super-gay off-tempo choreography in street clothes?

Business Flannel - Two Butt Whore

I can describe this sketch in three words.


Monday, December 20, 2010

BREAKING: Congress, President Obama Agree to Eat Lunch at Joe's Crab Shack

WASHINGTON D.C.-- At 10:57 P.M. tonight, and after hours of intense negotiation, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that the President and Congressional Republicans had agreed to eat lunch at Joe's Crab Shack.

BARACK OBAMA
So we agree to eat lunch at Joe's Crab Shack, right?

JON KYL
Yes. Though it's not either of our first choices, nor even a top preference, at least we can agree that at least someone will be happy with at least a bite of their meal there.

BARNEY FRANK
I don't eat seafood you fucking assholes.

JOHN BOEHNER
Well excuse me if I didn't want to eat at that frou-frou organic vegetarian restaurant again.

BARNEY FRANK
Just because a restaurant is not part of a chain does not make it frou-frou or organic. Or vegetarian. They served steak, chicken, and fish.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Did they serve filet mignon?

BARNEY FRANK
No.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Then I don't want to eat there.

BARNEY FRANK
You know I don't eat seafood.

BARACK OBAMA
Now let's stop the bickering, fellas, and just try to get excited about our lunch at Joe's Crab Shack.

NANCY PELOSI
It's almost 11 P.M.

BARACK OBAMA
Yes, but it was lunchtime when we started talking about it.

NANCY PELOSI
Just because we started talking about it at lunchtime doesn't make it lunch.

RON PAUL
The voters sent a clear message this past November, and that message is this: Congress should not be eating at Olive Garden anymore. 

HARRY REID
No one even suggested that we eat the Olive Garden. It was never even a possibility.

RON PAUL
I've been in this great body for over four decades, and even when it wasn't a popular decision not to eat at the Olive Garden--even when I was the lonely 'one' in a 434-1 vote in favor of eating at the Olive Garden--I always held my ground, as eating at the Olive Garden is not explicitly allowed by the U.S. Constitution.

HARRY REID
The Olive Garden didn't exist when the Constitution was written, how could eating there be explicitly allowed?

RON PAUL
The American government should not be spending the American people's money at Olive Garden at a time of such extreme deficit.

HARRY REID
The CBO has said that eating at the Olive Garden would have actually reduced American debt over the next five years.

A beat.

RON PAUL
Unlimited breadsticks is socialism.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Bad news. It's 11:30 PM and Joe's Crab Shack closed two hours ago. Also, we never figured out what to do  about emergency healthcare funding for 9/11 first responders.

JOHN MCCAIN
Forget it, let's get Wendy's drive-thru.

SENATORS
O-kay!

BARACK OBAMA
[Is silent].

Blackout.





ACT II



Saturday, December 18, 2010

30-Second Sketch

Our end-of-year music roundup continues:


B&W grainy footage of a countdown leader.

Text: EDUCATIONAL FILMSTRIPS INTERNATIONAL

Text: PRESENTS

Text: “Kanye West Song Lyrics: Brought to life!”

Cut to the back of a MAN’s head.
MAN
I UNDERSTAND my tomb is crowded.

The MAN turns around to reveal that he is an Egyptian pharaoh, with elaborate eye makeup, headdress, and hair accessories.
MAN
...but surely there is room for my cat!

The MAN holds up a CAT by the scruff of its neck.
CAT
Meow.

Text: THIS HAS BEEN A PRESENTATION OF EDUCATIONAL FILMSTRIPS INTERNATIONAL.

Blackout.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The 11 Most Pretentious and/or Incomprehensible Quotes from Pitchfork's Top 100 Songs of 2010 List

Pitchfork Media, the music e-magazine found over at www.pitchfork.com, is known as much as a taste-maker for hipsters as it is for its writing style and extreme, head-scratching allusiveness. Pitchfork assumes a level of familiarity with independent music history that most people do not nor ever hope to have; its writers often pile on long Latin verb and noun construction, giving the site a prose style that David Cross famously described as "overwrought."


What follows are the Top 11 Overwrought, Pretentious, Incomprehensible, and/or Confusing quotes from Pitchfork's recent Top 100 Singles of 2010 countdown. They are ranked in order of their appearance on Pitchfork's list.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Other Parts of the Constitution That the New Healthcare Bill Violates

On Monday, Judge Henry Hudson of Federal District Court in Virginia ruled that President Obama and Congress's new healthcare bill's provision that Americans be insured "exceeded the regulatory authority granted to Congress under the Commerce Clause." Here's a look at other clauses and laws of the Constitution that, by greatly increasing the number of insured Americans, the new Health Care bill violates:
  • New initiative to fight the war against cancer violates Congress's exclusive power to declare war.
  • Federal money to be paid to doctors specializing in amputation of the limbs would violate Right to Bear Arms.
  • Funds set aside to lower American obesity is direct threat to the Elastic Clause.  
  • Naturalization Clause rendered practically obsolete by newly created access to plastic and reconstructive surgeons.
  • Tonsillectomies greatly abridge the freedom of speech, while treating frostbite of the digits greatly abridges freedom of the press.
  • Increased availability to subsidized liposuction endangers relevance of the Free Exercise Clause.
  • New Healthcare Bill would allow for patients to be treated for the same illness twice, e.g. a flu in back-to-back flu seasons; this defies restrictions against double jeopardy.
  • Food and Drug Administration's test period for new pharmaceuticals cannot be described, in even the loosest interpretation, as speedy trials.
  • Regular checkups that include the checking of Body Mass Index and the taking of blood pressure transgress Congress's exclusive power to fix the standard of weights and measures.
  • Certain experimental doctors have been known to induce epileptic convulsions in catatonic patients; this naturally flies straight gainst the right against unreasonable surgeon seizure. 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Pink Tank Think Tank Dank Bank Sank Gank Jank - Now on YouTube



First The Beatles catalogue becomes available on iTunes, and now this? What a week, you guys. What a week.

Say "I Hate You" This Holiday Season by Inviting Me to Brunch

Is there any worse friend in the world than the one who invites you to Sunday brunch?

Listen, friends: I work five days a week (I don't actually, but pretend I do). I have to wake up early Monday through Friday, drag my fat, hairy carcass out of the warmth of my bed before the sun is out, and sit at a desk fighting back sleep and seasonal depression while counting down the hours to lunch for a vast majority of my adult life. Most days, I have to program my phone to make the most annoying noise that it can at a time of day I would otherwise be imagining myself making out with Olympic Gold Medalist Dominique Moceanu. So why would you, as a friend who quote-unquote cares about my happiness, deprive me of this lone joy on a Sunday morning and rip me from the warm womb of blissful Moceanu make-out dreams in order to make me schlep out into the cold to eat berries and cream in a crowded restaurant of yuppies and insufferable new parents when I'd rather be not doing that, ever?

Now, doubtless to some of you this sounds as though I am eating with someone who is not really my friend. It may sound as though I am describing someone specific when I complain about having to eat brunch. To those people I say you'll be relieved to hear that I have not been invited to brunch by anyone in years, so I am not singling anyone out here. It is more like I am attacking the very idea of Sunday brunch between friends as the work-like obligation it seems, even though I haven't had to wake up for it in a very, very long time. It is as though I am taking a stand, as one may take a stand against the abuses of the TSA or dogfighting. This is a social issue, really.

I am frankly shocked at the ongoing popularity of brunch amongst people my age (19-27; humor me). Perhaps it is simply the word 'brunch,' which carries with it a feeling of adult sophistication; perhaps people who eat brunch are simply social climbers, aspiring members of the nouveau riche, assholes, etc. If one of your friends called you and asked, "Hey, this Sunday, do you want to wake up at 8:30 in the morning to do something that we could do at any other time during the day and probably with less wait time and more enjoyment?" you would definitely say, "Fuck no, I want to sleep an extra two hours, what the fuck do you think?" But instead, your friend asks, "Hey, do you want to get brunch Saturday morning?", and you inevitably answer that brunch sounds delightful, and choose a restaurant that your boss said serves good crepes.

Luckily for me, I'm not in any danger of being invited to brunch, partly because I don't have any friends, sure, but also because I live in Newark, New Jersey, a city where it is only safe to go outside between 3 and 5 P.M., and where "brunch" stands not for the meal between "breakfast or lunch" but rather for a particularly crunchy brick of crack cocaine.

But if, however, you were thinking of inviting me to up or down to brunch--if you were thinking, "Hey, maybe Jason would like to come into New York City, or over to Princeton, leaving his apartment while it's still dark out on Sunday morning, in order to babble like chickens about what our old roommates are up to"--well, think again. Asking me to brunch is just short of saying "Fuck you" to my face and then punching me. It's not that I don't enjoy the attention, but please, spare me the pain.

"Alex Pettyfer looks like he steals cheekbones for a living"

Check out Business Flannel member/sex symbol Dan's personal website Dan Reviews Trailers for a remake of the upcoming loud Michael Bay film I Am Number Four.


I can't promise you'll learn anything, but I can promise pictures of Aubrey Plaza nips*.

*Sorry, I lost my train of thought. Dan Reviews Trailers doesn't have pictures of Aubrey Plaza nips either. No one does.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Why, Hello, You Must Be Here for Aubrey Plaza Nips

Like any good webmaster, I frequently check my site's analytics and referring keyword searches in order to optimize traffic flow, expand my click-through viewership, and maximize buzz by driving word-of-mouth from relevant influencers. It is thus with some sadness and disappointment that I announce to the shareholders that, in the past week alone, two readers have reached this site by typing "aubrey plaza nips" into their search engine.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Tour of the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad New Facebook Profile

If history is any indication, this structural change to the Facebook layout will be the downfall of the website, causing all of its users to protest, demand revision, and, when their demands are not met, deactivate their accounts en masse, effectively destroying Facebook. I think we all remember how disastrous past adjustments to the Facebook experience have been: remember how great the website was when Facebook only allowed certain Ivy Leaguers to sign up? Okay, bad example. But whatever happened to the joy of clicking through hundreds of your friends' profiles for hours on end to discover any new activity, a time killer that the dreaded News Feed rendered obsolete? The addition of high school students, Facebook applications and games, your mom; I mean, my God, Facebook! The inclusion of Status Updates was so bad that Martin Scorsese, who was originally slated to direct The Social Network, dropped out in protest, and Columbia Pictures could only get the guy who directed Alien 3 and the music video for Paula Abdul's "Straight Up Now Tell Me" to fill in for him.

And while this new look for the Facebook profile will inevitably end Facebook as a website and cultural phenomenon, let's take a closer look at it, anyway, if only for the benefit of future anthropologists and Internet historians wishing to know what finally caused Facebook to so suddenly lose all popularity.

After the jump, a tour of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad new Facebook profile layout.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

We're A Little Bit Famous

Look, over here at Business Flannel HQ (where the cubicle walls are tartan), we know we're pretty famous. People come up to us dozens of times a day, complimenting us on our superhuman wit and unspeakable sexual prowess. Admittedly, it's just Dan Maselli, desperately hoping that flattery will get him into our next video, but all publicity is good publicity, according to a wildly reductive platitude.

Anyway, check it out, I'm on CollegeHumor
. Next stop: The New York Times, perhaps!