Monday, November 8, 2010

Two and a Half Menstrual Cramps

I've been staying here in Styrofoam, New Jersey, with my parents these past couple days, which means that not only are sly suggestions about the cheapness of surgical teeth whiteners these days up in my life about 200%, but also the amount of television programs aimed at Mom and Dad's demographic.

Now, though I used to be a big television watcher, I do not watch much TV anymore, what with so much pornography now being available on the Internet.  This means that I do not face the same crises as my parents apparently do each Monday ("Do we TiVo Gossip Girl and watch Two and a Half Men, or do we TiVo Two and a Half Men and watch Gossip Girl?"); this is a relief, as I live such a stressful life (today, for example, I realized around three P.M. that I had forgotten to apply deodorant that day; luckily, I had woken up at 2:30 and I never leave the house or see anyone that I know, so it wasn't a big deal).

What I wanted to highlight, however, was the reaction of my parents following tonight's episode of Two and a Half Men, a show that has come to represent a kind of inartistic, desperately un-hip mainstream comedy, due to its popularity, longevity, and unnerving amount of Jon Cryer boner jokes. Usually they find it pleasant enough, sometimes funny, up to hilarious; and I would say, at the risk of being forever banned from Williamsburg, that the show, in its earlier years, at least had some funny lines, most of which involved Charlie Sheen insulting Jon Cryer's tiny, ineffectual, befreckled wiener.

Jon Cryer, shown here celebrating his Golden Globe
win for Smallest Implied Wiener Size in a Comedy Series
Tonight, however, they both had a very different reaction. I was in another room--I can't remember what I was doing but, given what I am usually doing at any given time of day, probably contemplating my solidarity in the darkness--and I happened to emerge around 9:27 P.M. at the conclusion of 2 1/2 8===D (see what I did there?) My mother, launching herself up from the couch, complained, and I quote: "That was a creepy one!"

"Creepy?" I asked my dad. I always turn to my father for a second opinion, as my mother tends to form a kooky opinions about things (for example, she has this idea in her head that I should get a career and financial independence--Okay, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul, am I right, you guys?)

"Yeah, it was pretty creepy," my dad agreed.

From what I've gathered about Two and a Half Men from begrudgingly watching it in hotel rooms and on long plane flights, the series follows a manic-depressive impotent who yearns for the life of his brother, an alcoholic sex addict. Also, the manic-depressive impotent once impregnated a woman who could not admit that she was a lesbian due to societal constraints. For one show to be especially creepy must have meant one of two things: A), that CBS accidentally aired a loop of the Club Silencio scene from Mulholland Drive, or B) Two and a Half Men must have been especially creepy this week.

Hopping on over to, I see that this week's episode is called "Springtime on a Stick" (not too high on the creepy scale, considering that the episode set to air in two weeks is entitled "Ow, Ow, Don't Stop"). According to my mother, the episode involved a divorced septuagenarian paying an immigrant to clean his home and also sleep with him three times per week, a fact which makes his ex-wife angry, so she gets in a bathtub with someone and is walked in on by her sons Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen. Also, there are lots of Viagra jokes; though I believe that it is a network television rule that whenever any man with gray hair appears on screen with a woman that is not related to him under the age of 40, he has to make a joke about still being able to get an erection.

Having not seen the show, I cannot really remark on its creepiness, though on a scale of 1 to 10, it immediately acquires 3 points for involving Jon Cryer in a sexual situation and another 1 point for the way that the little boy (whose name is Angus T. Jones - 0.5 points) has grown up over the life of the sitcom.

At what point do we start calling the show Three Men and A Baby Penis?

More on this situation (except not really) as it develops (except it won't).

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