Friday, November 26, 2010

I Was in the Gene Pool

This Thanksgiving season, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and one thought has occupied and dominated my mind like no other:

George Costanza has really weird nipples.

Full disclosure: I've been turning this over in my head for a good five years now; every time I see this episode, the voice that says that Costanza's nipples look really strange has been getting louder and louder; and now I have come to what public intellectual Malcolm Gladwell calls a "tipping point" (further reading: "The Tipping Point," Malcolm Gladwell) in my thoughts. My decision:

Costanza's nipples look really, really weird.

I don't know what it is, exactly. They are hardly a different color from his skin, for one thing--they are almost more like slightly pinkish swollen continuations of the Costanza breast; maybe it's the oddly symmetrical pattern of chest hair that surrounds the nipples, a tessellation of chest growth if I've ever seen one. Maybe it's the odd, halfway-to-man-boob quality of the sagging, the slight shadows under the boob, the seeming total lack of teat on either side.

Whatever the cause, I think we can all agree that George Costanza has really, really weird nipples.

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