Monday, November 22, 2010

Dear Kanye West: Letters Inspired by Lyrics from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

[Part 1]

She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don't know what it is with females
But I'm not too good at that shit.
- from "Runaway"

Dear Mr. West,

I thought we had made a good deal of progress in your relationship therapy meetings when you decided that you were rehabilitated, which is why I was particularly disappointed to hear this song lyric.

If I can offer you one piece of advice I've learned through my dozens of years resolving couples disputes and in my studies and ongoing research as a leading couples therapist, it is this: the first step to ensuring the happiness of your partner is not sending other bitches a picture of your dick. This remains true not just at the beginning of a relationship, but at all times--not when you and your lover have a spat, not on Girl's Night Out, not even on your birthday is it acceptable to send a bitch a picture of your dick.

Numerous papers on the subject have been written, by relationship therapists from schools as disparate as the Gestalt, the Behavioral Therapists, and the Humanists, and all agree: sending a bitch a picture of your dick is harmful to a relationship's health.

Of course, you do have a point: that your girlfriend would go through your emails in the first place is troubling and an indication that latent trust issues certainly existed; that she found an email in which you sent a bitch a picture of your dick does not mitigate the invasion of privacy here.

At the end of the day, though, perhaps you were doing something that warranted her suspicion--for example, sending a bitch a picture of your dick.

If you have any questions about my strict "Don't send a bitch a picture of your dick" relationship policy, don't hesitate to write back, preferably without that My_Dick.jpg attachment from your last letter.

Peter Smith, LCSW
Board Certified Relationship Therapist

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