Monday, October 18, 2010

ATTN: Application for Employment at WorkSmart Labs, Inc.


As some of you know, I recently became "unemployed," a sure misnomer given how much of my time is indeed meaningfully employed with commenting on crossword puzzle forums and keeping my head perfectly horizontal while my ear medicine settles. I suppose I am more technically "employed" as an "artist," a term I've always hated, as it conjures up images of me in a barren studio apartment listening to carnival music and twirling around in rainbow leggings and a "THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE" T-shirt with the sleeves cut off. And though I can assure you that this -----> :/ (that's my face) is indeed what a feminist looks like, that is not, indeed, what any of my days are like, nor what kind of "art" I am practicing. (cf. Lucille Bluth's skepticism of her son Buster's "scholarly pursuits").

Though I am not currently employed, nor searching for a job, nor living in New York City, I am subscribed to the Princeton in New York listserv, and my interest was piqued by an email I received this morning for a job posting in NYC. It seems that one "Charlie Sneath '09" (probably some nose-in-the-air Connecticut Cottage College Republican I never met (CoCoCoRep)) and his employer WorkSmart Labs have posted a job opening for a "Customer Support and Publicity Specialist" for their program CardioTrainer, which is, with over 1.6 million downloads, "the most popular fitness program on the Android smartphone platform," outperforming the second most popular Android fitness app, "The Larry Page and Sergey Brin ShakeWeight Extravaganza."

I decided to apply for this job, not because I was necessarily interested in it, or because I was any more qualified for it than I would be for, say, American Apparel greeter, but rather because the initial screening process includes a questionnaire, which I love to fill out. 

1) A copy of your resume [Attached - J.G.] with an explanation of your relevant experiences. We're not looking for a formal cover letter, just some guidance on how to understand what you've done, and how it applies to this opportunity.

Fitness has always been a great passion of mine; not in the sense that I stay fit, or have ever been fit, but in the sense that when I was younger, I always loved watching fitness infomercials, especially after my parents went to sleep. One could say that, along with Patty Mayonnaise on Doug and the four-month period that my parents subscribed to Cinemax, fitness played a larger part in my development into adulthood than any other televised programming during my pubescent years, which I think we can all agree is quite important in this Television Age.

Besides my cultivated appreciation for fitness, I believe my life experience uniquely qualifies me for this position, a Phone Application Customer Support and Publicity Specialist. Let me break this down word-by-word, since this is almost certainly what this question is asking me to do:

1) Phone: I am a phone-owner.
2) Application: This is an application, and I'm nailing it.
3) Customer: I have frequently been, and continue to be, a customer of many products, include groceries, clothings, and ear medicines.
4) Support: I am an expert in both receiving support, as I am prone to total mental breakdowns, and giving support, as my older frat brother once made me dress up as his jock strap for Halloween.
5) Publicity: As a Human Jock Strap for Pi Epsilon's Halloween Bitches and Witches '06 Eve, I was periodically required to, at the request of my bro (who was dressed as two giant testicles), stand up on a table, get the attention of everyone on the dance floor, and announce "My name is Gonzo Jay, and if you want me to protect your baby raisins, throw your hands in the air!!" My bro Yanker told me that he had never seen a human jock strap protect so many baby raisins on one Halloween (and he totally blacked out around 10:30, which was even before I did most of my baby raisin protection)
6) Specialist: I am an exceptionally fast learner and work extremely well in a fast-paced environment.

2) A few paragraphs explaining why you think you would be awesome for this job. What makes you the perfect candidate? Why are fitness and technology important to you? 

The great football coach Vince Lombardi once said to his quarterback Bart Starr, "All that dandruff means you're not shampooing hard enough, queer." I agree with this one hundred percent. 

Fitness and technology are super important to me, and not just because porn stars need to be in good shape. It might shock you to learn that I once weighed more than I do right now. I once weighed 173 pounds. My cheeks were fatter, my gut bulged out, and I couldn't even squeeze into a Size 2 dress. I had become so physically unattractive to women, I considered becoming an intellectual in order to talk to girls.

Luckily, I discovered Happy House Chinese Kitchen, which, on my first visit there, gave me a nasty bout of trichinosis. By the time I had vomited the final intestinal worms from my system, I weighed 159 pounds and I looked better than ever. My confidence was way up, and I was able to fit into the jeans I had stolen from a high school locker room.

Wait, what was the question?

3) At least two writing samples that show off your style and skills. These could be anything from older essay excerpts to blog posts to something brand new. Each piece should demonstrate your ability to clearly communicate ideas to a specific audience, and least one should demonstrate how you're able to understand and explain technical concepts (this is a really important part of user support).

I describe below my three writing samples, one more than you have asked for. I hope this is permissible, as I thought the extra sample would be beneficial, given that one of my samples is a full-length novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
1) A profile of Theodore Roosevelt that I wrote for a third grade project on U.S. Presidents. Information has mostly been culled from the Microsoft Encarta suite. The document has been scanned in from the original; please excuse my handwriting, as this assignment was mostly an exercise for us to practice our cursive.
2) A humorous text message I sent my mother last weekend. Please note that what prompted my response was her question, "Are you awake yet?" and that I normally do not use the C-word in everyday conversation.
3) Tender Is the Night

4) What kinds of creative projects have you been a part of? How were you involved, what did you get out of it?

I wrote Inception. I didn't get anything out of it except a bunch of grumpy-ass fanboys asking whether or not Leo Dicaprio died at the end or not. And then they start offering me all these theories, and I'm like--whoa! Spoiler alert! I realize that you're the editor of CoolFilmZine.net, or whatever; but it did it ever cross your mind that maybe the writer of Inception was a ten-day peyote-fueled vision quest when he wrote the script, and he has no idea how it ends, because his stupid Bit Torrent has  been, like, freezing halfway through downloads for the past three months and he hasn't even seen that fucking Sherlock Holmes movie with Bob Downey Jr., much less Inception which he fucking wrote, for God's sake. Jesus.

Thank you for taking your time to read my CV and application. If you have any questions, or if you need anything more from me, just shoot me an email or call my cell phone (I own one!) and I will get back to you quickly, probably quicker than you're used to, if I'm being honest. I want to reiterate my interest in this company, as it has money to pay me, and I don't have money to pay my peyote dealer.

Thank you for this opportunity, and happy Halloween!

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