I'm sad to report to you the following piece of news: my mother did not like my previous Facebook note, the one about Mustache Bill's Diner.
"Jason, I have something to tell you," she said to me earlier this evening. "I didn't like your last post."
She confessed this to me with such sincerity and regret that I can only the imagine the anguish in her heart and the disappointment she must be dealing with (on top of what I am sure is the daily disappointment she deals with). I am proud that these internet scribblings are important to my mother; that they have risen to any status above "pointless drivel" or "newsfeed clutter" for anyone on Facebook is more than I could have ever hoped for (right, Elena Sheppard?). For me to add to her burden by writing a bad Facebook note when she was expecting a good one -- well, my mom does not deserve that, and I am going to make it up to her.
And so, I do hereby resolve to meet the following conditions, in order to atone for the grievous mistake that was Jason O Gilbert Facebook Note (JOGFN) 387648 ("Big Bad Mustache Bill") and redeem myself in the eyes of my mother:
1. I will sign up for JDate, not only with a basic account, but with a Premium Membership, which features Advanced Schicza Screening, Anti-Mishuggina Blasts, and exclusive invitations to JDate's famous Reasonably-Paced Speed Dating Events. I will marry this girl within 3--no, 2 months--and she will come from a good Jewish family (paternal AND maternal), and she will show up to the High Holidays early to help with the cooking, and she will not wear those slutty clothes, not like that awful Jennifer girl, with the extensions and the Ray Ban sunglasses. Her parents will pay for the wedding.
2. I will apply for careers--not jobs, CAREERS--at the following firms: Goldman Sachs, Credit Suisse, Morgan Stanley, Barclay Capital, Booz Allen Hamilton, Bridgewater, Bain, BCG, JP Morgan. Additionally, I will start to look at advertising firms, because I am so creative. Maybe also marketing? I will take the GREs, the LSATs, the MCATs, the GMATs, and the Civil Service Exam. I will join MENSA; I will quit Facebook.
3. Henceforth, I will get a haircut every two weeks, never letting it grow too long or poofy. Everyone will always be able to see my handsome face. Furthermore, I will get laser surgery to ensure that the hair that grows on the back of my neck that's so unbecoming will never grow back again. In tandem, I promise to never grow a beard, mustache, goatee, soul patch, chin pube garden, set of mutton chops, or neck beard, nor will I ever shave any designs, initials, or euphemisms for feces into my facial hair, especially not if I have an interview with Goldman Sachs.
4. I will change my wardrobe. This includes throwing away the following novelty T-shirts:
The one with the picture of the sled dog team, with all of the trailing dogs passed out on the snow, and the lead dog grinning maniacally in the front, with the caption "WHO FARTED???"
The one advertising the 2005 BHS Rhythmic Dance State Finalist Team. I was never on a rhythmic dance team, nor did I attend a "Barnesville High School" in Jacksonville, Florida.
The one that just says "I'M ON MY PERIOD"
The one with the big arrow pointing to my genitalia with the phrase "MEET JOE BLACK"
The one that says "MY OTHER SHIRT IS A STORM TROOPER." This doesn't make any sense and no one finds it funny.
The one I bought in Cambodia that is black with yellow text that says "CALVON KLING"
The one I bought in Vietnam that is red with purple text that says "VONN DOUCHE"
The one I bought in Malaysia that is grey with brown text that says "PIRATE WEINER"
5. I will clean up after myself. This includes making my bed every morning, closing doors and turning off lights when I leave rooms, keeping all of my dirty laundry in a basket rather than under my bed, flushing the toilet after use every time and not just for "big ones," placing all used dishes and silverware in the dishwasher and not just on the floor next to the dishwasher, shaving my legs over a drain instead of the dinner table, shaving my legs directly over a drain when I say I am going to, and not just moving the dinner table into the bathroom and then shaving my legs over it, and not spitting used tobacco chew on any pillows, white walls, or family pets.
6. I will stop getting blacked out on horse tranquilizers and Banana Daiquiris and calling my parents on Tuesday nights to ask them if it's okay if I bring a girl home with me, especially since we live in separate residences, even more especially since they know I have absolutely no skill at picking up girls, and even most especially when I am in the next room sitting by myself watching Family Feud reruns and it's 5:35 in the afternoon.
7. I will not tag my mother in Facebook notes that will embarrass her.
Sorry about the embarrassing "Big Bad Mustache Bill" note, Mom. And I'll get right on all of the goals above. Especially on flushing the toilet, because let me tell you, I just dropped a BIG ONE.