Saturday, June 5, 2010

Readjusting the Panty Lines That Are My Life

Well, I'm back, and I am settling in, re-gelling, assuming form, like liquid or gas in a container.

I moved into a retirement community. My parents bought a second home on the Jersey Shore, in a cute little ex-mafia village called Waretown, and that second home happens to be located inside a community of active 55+ adults. My parents come for the weekends, and otherwise I have the home to myself during weekdays (except Mah Jongg Wednesdays). It's nice, and there is air conditioning, a television, a French Door refrigerator, and three different toilets. What else could a sweaty lazy fat Lactose-intolerant boy of 23 ask for? A girlfriend. Don't answer that. A girlfriend.

I've been going running lately. The past 5 days I have ran. I did not go running one time in Thailand, but now I am like Steve Prefontaine over here (don't bother looking it up) because I run all the time. I hope it's not upsetting the neighbors, my ability to run. Will it make them bitter? Do they think I am showing off, with my working legs and hot chest? Are the men afraid that I am going to steal their women, that the horrors of the documentary Cougar Town are true?

I sure hope they are.

One downside to the house: there is no computer desk. I have a desktop computer and no desk. It's more like a cardboard top. Here is the setup:

the silver box thing with the electronics and wires is on the floor.
the monitor is on a cardboard box holding blankets
the speakers are on an adjacent cardboard box holding books
the keyboard is in my lap
the mousepad is the back of a felt photoframe
the mousepad is on the floor
i am sitting in a beach chair with retractable sun-shade

A knock at the door. Probably an elderly neighbor wanting to meet the new people. I'm not going to answer the knocks, though, because I just had an idea for a zombie movie. Spoiler alert: it's set in a retirement community on the Jersey Shore, and the hero is really fucking cool. Despite this, he will inevitably be played by Shia LeBouf, who will play the same character that he does in every movie, to lukewarm reviews. Then he will get paid even more money for his next role, despite being so forgettable and mediocre in every way.

Imagine a guido zombie. A man. Black Harley-Davidson T-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Fading bicep tattoos, sagging bicep skin. Chin strap beard. A rectangular island of hair on the very top of his head, shaved close to the skin the rest of the way around, connecting to the sideburns, fading into the chin strap.

And he is undead.

How's it goin', you gonna give me some brains to eat here or what?

Let's brainstorm (find the pun) some titles:

Don of the Dead
Army of Asbury Parkness
28 Days Later (The Yankees)

Now excuse me while I submit this to M. Night Shyamalan. Spoiler alert:: the movie isn't going to be very good.

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