Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Can Change My Mind, And So Can Elena Kagan

Today must be Wear Your Sandals to Work Day, because a whole bunch of famous people are flip-flopping!!

Now, there was a time, when George W. was running against John Kerry, when flip-flopping was the worst thing in the world that you could do, because it showed mental weakness, a lack of mental toughness, and the non-possession of mental non-weakness. To say that John Kerry "flip-flopped" was to call him a big ol' Waffle House waffler, and, thanks to the catchiness of chanting "FLIP FLOP" and also the idea that anyone looks good in windsurfing spandex, Kerry lost the race.

Fast forward to today, using your Adam Sandler Presents Click remote controls: "flip flopping" is now more or less known as it has always been known i.e. as a process of rational critical thought, a cornerstone of intellectualism. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not believe this was brought up during the 04 Campaign). And indeed, this has been another day of flip-flopping in what might just be the Week of Flip Flops, which sounds like an absolutely horrible Drew Barrymore sentimental girl-comedy but isn't:

First it was Elena "Look at That Haircut, She Must Be A Lesbian" Kagan, who, according to The New York Times-- which doesn't even have a retractions section because it NEVER flip-flops-- says that Kagan "backpedaled" in a previous statement about specific disclosures of constitutional views for SCOTUS nominees. Whoa, Kagan! I bet it's hard to backpedal wearing FLIP FLOPS! Careful not to trip over your flimsy foam heels when you're backpedaling, Lanie dear!

Second, in the sport that has American newsanchors flopping daily over whether it is called "football" or "soccer," Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA, the sport organization that sounds most like the name of gay man's French poodle, announced that he was changing his mind, and that, due to the general incompetence of the umpiring in the World Cup thus far, he would consider using instant replay in future contests. While Blatter was widely seen to be wearing a black suit with a gray tie, there is no word what kind of footwear he had on, though I think we can all safely assume it was FLIP FLOPS.

It's been a Whale of a Waffle Week, hasn't it? Obama decided to fire McChrystal, and Senators decided not to tax big banks, because, hey, what have big banks done lately that they deserve to be taxed?

I just hope all of this flip-flopping stops by the time I have children; I will not let my kids grow up to be flip-floppers. When they form an opinion about something, they will never change their mind about that thing. This will apply to everything, and they will be adored by their friends and colleagues, respected by their professors, and generally will be pleasant to be around. They will not be allowed to wear flip-flops; they will have the palest, most shriveled toes in all of America, and news pundits will call them geniuses.

And you may think that all of I've written above about my future children will be untrue--that they won't have any friends or colleagues, that their professors will find them pig-headed and anti-intellectual, and that they will generally be impossible to be around--but you'll be wrong. And when you change your tune, and want to come to my 4th of July BBQ to chill and celebrate America with me and my cool kids, well, don't burn your eggs waiting for your red-white-and-blue invitation in the mail--my kids don't associate with flip-floppers.

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