Thursday, May 13, 2010

Elena Kagan: A Perspective

That hearty clinking of highball glasses you heard coming from Central New Jersey last week was Princeton University's reaction to the news that Barack Obama had nominated Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. Following Samuel Alito '72 and Sonia Sotomayor '76, Kagan '81 would be the third Princetonian in a row to join the Supreme Court, and the second in a row that we could actually be proud of. More specifically, she would be the second consecutive Princeton woman to be Supreme Court Justice, which leads me to believe that once Anthony Kennedy retires, Brooke Shields is going to be a shoo-in. I have also heard it mentioned that Michelle Obama is a candidate for the next opening, which would thus complete the highly difficult FLOTUS to SCOTUS, also the name of the highest-grossing Yiddish language buddy-cop film of all time.

Now, when I heard that Kagan had been nominated, my first thought was, "What legal expertise does the vagina strength-training lady have?" And my second thought, after a much edifying Google search, was, "What are the obstacles to her success?"

There are two big concerns about Kagan going into the confirmation process; let's start with the one that isn't a disgusting, backwards-thinking, narrow-minded generalization based on one's haircut.

Kagan would be unique on the bench as not just the only sitting justice whose name sounds like an outburst by Dr. Frink ("Ah Elena Kagan glavin flavin!") but also as the only justice who has never previously served as a judge. Personally, I'm not overly concerned about this supposed lack of experience; I was never unemployed before this current stretch of unemployment, and I find myself really thriving in it. Furthermore, if you know of any U.S. Senators who are wary of Kagan's inexperience, send me their email addresses, as I can forward them several very persuasive videos of girls doing things for the first time and excelling at them like you wouldn't believe. And if you're thinking, "Oh, you'll never beat the spam filter," well guess what? I can beat the spam filter. Beating the spam filter is something you learn how to do when you're desperately unemployed.

The second knock on Kagan--well, it's not really a knock, even; it's more like a tap or a fingering at the door of criticism--is that she might be a lesbian. Obviously, this is a major concern for queer-stompers and fag-draggers everywhere, as judiciary members of minority groups tend to support legislation that promotes that group. For example, Sonia Sotomayor has so far voted in favor of multiple suits that have expanded the influence of Latinos, while for years Justice Antonin Scalia has wielded his influence in reliably furthering the cause of balding egomaniacal douchebags everywhere.

And so here is my free, unsolicited, general (see what I did there?) advice to Elena Kagan for a clean path to the Supreme Court: prove your heterosexuality in the most lurid way possible. Think of the story of current Justice-cum-American-hero Clarence Thomas: there were concerns that he was a gay back in the early 90s, and do you remember what he did? He tried to pick up a woman that worked under him by sprinkling his pubic hair on a can of Coke. Kagan should do the same; and might I suggest, Solicitor General Kagan, that the can of Coke should be drank by Dick Cheney? Nothing would bring this too-fragmented country together like seeing Dick Cheney's reaction to swallowing some good old American immigrant lesbo-Jew vagi-curls.

Or maybe not. It's true that I did not major in political strategy, and that I may have a rather elementary grasp on contemporary politics, judicial history, and the meaning of the English idiom "good taste." I'm not sure if it's possible for Kagan to capture any Republican votes; perhaps the best Ms. Kagan can hope for is that Senators McCain and Kyl from Arizona don't ask for her papers upon hearing that her name is "Elena." On the other hand, her last name is Kagan, which rhymes with "Reagan," which, as we all know, America, the greatest country in the world. The tiebreaker is her middle name, which she does not have, and which, unfortunately for her, neither do terrorists. I think we're looking at a party line vote here.

In conclusion, I wish my fellow Princeton alumnus Elena Kagan the best of luck, and I'm sure that, once confirmed, she will be a positive, constructive influence on the Supreme Court, and that we will all be watching her carefully but with pride as she makes rulings on cases that have absolutely no effect on our daily lives whatsoever. Good luck, Ms. Kagan, and here's hoping that you can contract and release your way to the highest court in the land.

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