Thursday, February 25, 2010

Holiday, Oh Holiday, And the Best One of the Year

Oh, yesterday, yesterday, yesterday. Where is to begin with her:

I woke up around--I'm bad with numbers--I'll say 80. I had to drop off some exams at the Maw (Saved-by-the-Bell-style nickname for CMU, Sleater-Kinney) and pick up a form that is essential for my tax returns. Yeah, that's why it's called a 'form.' The Nords know what I'm talking about.

I donned a cape when I went to CMU this time. Not really, but I might as well, because I'm finished working there and my non-traditional wardrobe can't get me in trouble anymore. What are they going to do, fire me? Tell me that wearing a cape with a giant silkscreen print of a flaccid penis on the back is indecent exposure? Ask me to go home? Yeah, okay, Ajarnaporn.

I sat around there for about an hour waiting for the secretary to return. You see, time in Thailand is like a rubberband: it's elastic. It's okay to be late for things, to wait--when  you say you will be back from lunch around 1, that could mean 1:30. Hey, it's no problem!

Unless a Thai person is waiting for you, in which case you better be on time or else.

I got the tax form and went to the rhinoplastiterium to "consult" with the "doctor." The doctor emerged from a back room and asked if he could help me.

"I'm interested in a rhinoplasty."





"Can I help you?"

"I'm interested in a rhinoplasty."

"Oh, yes. I'm the doctor."

We sat down at the desk. He gestured at my nose. "We can remove the bump." I hadn't even told him what I wanted yet; I suppose I shouldn't be too upset--he is a doctor, you will recall--but what if I wanted to elongate my nostrils. Some girls like nose-bumps. In some cultures the nose-bump is considered very handsome and dignified. In these cultures, the King was decided on, regardless of intellect or family standing, by simply choosing the adult male (over 15 years old) with the biggest nose-bump.

I am the King of this Culture. Bow down to Bumpus McNoseson. (Palindrome)

I asked the doctor if he could do something about the way the tip of my nose curves back toward my mouth like a damn bird's beak.

"Yes, that's my job."

I get it, you're a doctor.

So he repeated the two procedures that he would do:

"So, I will remove the bump, and make your nose...slower."

Good. The ladies have always complained about my fast nose.

"Do you want to make an appointment?"

I haven't yet. He says the procedure will take about 40-50 minutes. Afterwards I can do whatever I want, except no swimming, which is too bad, because I will likely lose this toned swimmer's physique. It's okay, though, because afterwards, when I wear a swimming cap, I won't look like a falcon.

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