Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Kennedy Center Honors

Last night, the annual Kennedy Center Honors were held, and Chris Rock did some funny jokes about Michelle Obama. Barack laughed at the time, but today intelligence sources (read: I) believe that Chris Rock has been "taken care of." Don't mess with democracy, bitch.

Anyway, the honorees included:
The ceremony went well enough, but personally, I think it's a little rude of Bobby, Jack, and Teddy to not show up. They didn't even send a card.

Monday, December 27, 2010

THIS WEEK IN RACISM

In this week's edition of THIS WEEK IN RACISM, we turn to Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, who has some hilariously un-PC things to say about how much better the Chinese are than Americans. On the NFL's decision to cancel a football game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Minnesota Vikings because of excessive snowfall:

"My biggest beef is that this is part of what's happened in this country," Rendell said. "I think we've become wussies." 
"We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything," Rendell added. "If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."
Oh, those Chinese, always marching, always doing calculus. No doubt that the Shanghai Eagles would have played the Guangzhou Vikings regardless of the inclement weather, and all of the football players probably would have been doing calculus in their heads the entire game, too. That's what Chinese people do. I once dated a Chinese girl; once I tried to start a conversation that wasn't about calculus, so she marched. [Cf. Kanye West - "So Appalled"]. I have also heard that in China, all of the months are called "March," except for October, which is called "Calculus."

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabiao could not be reached for comment as he was too busy marching and doing calculus.

The Best Puns on "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark"

Here at Business Flannel, we've enjoyed following the Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark bumblesh*t just as much as anyone else whose relative is not in the show. That's why we are proud to announce what we hope will eventually be the definitive place to find puns on the title of the new Spider-Man broadway show. This list will be crowd-sourced, so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

Right now the list is small, but with your help, we can grow it to be as long as the non-liability clause in the contract all Spider-Man actors have to pay!

The Best Puns on Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Show
Spider-Man: Turn Off the Common Sense
Spider-Man: Turn On the X-Rays
Spider-Man: Turn On the Neck Injuries
Julie Taymor: Turn Yourself In
Spider-Man: Turn-Offs - Smoothness, Actor Safety
Spider-Man: Turn On 5th Avenue to Get to Mount Sinai
Spider-Man: Turn On the House Lights So We Can Assess the Damage
Spider-Man: Turnout in the Audience Is Likely Motivated by Schadenfraude
Spider-Man: Turn Around (Every Now and Then the Safety Mechanisms Fall Apart)
Spider-Man: Turn $70 Million into a Confusing, Dangerous Spectacle
Spider-Man: Turns Out Solving World Hunger Is Not Bono's Top Priority
Spider-Man: Turn Your Head and Cough, I Think Your Fall May Have Caused A Hernia
Spider-Man: Turn to Your Fellow Audience Members and Ask If That Was Supposed to Happen

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Rapiest Version of "Baby It's Cold Outside"

If there is any question as to which version of "Baby It's Cold Outside" is the rapiest, cease your arguing: this is the rapiest version of "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Friday, December 24, 2010

America's Most Dangerous Jobs of 2010

December means a lot of things--snow, family, Christmas--but for me, December has always been most exciting because of all the end-of-the-year lists that come out! That's why this morning was extra exciting for me, as the Bureau of Labor Statistics released its annual countdown of America's most dangerous jobs--and as an added bonus, there was even a brand new number one this year! Check it out:

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hey Thailand, Let's Cool Down the Hitler Videos, Huh?

As some of you may know, I used to live in Thailand, and I have almost nothing but fond memories of it. This music video from Thai punk-ish band "Slur", however, is not great:


Now, the video does offer a disclaimer beforehand assuring us that the video "has no intentions to insult any individual or groups," but this is basically the "no homo" of disclaimers. Bad news for Slur: dressing up like Nazis is probably gonna insult (and, more likely, I would wager, offend) most people that, say, saw their families killed by the very Nazis you dress as. If it's not okay for Prince Harry to do (sorry, ladies), then it is certainly not kosher (sorry, everyone) for a Thai punk band to.

Might I suggest sticking to super-gay off-tempo choreography in street clothes?

Business Flannel - Two Butt Whore

I can describe this sketch in three words.


Monday, December 20, 2010

BREAKING: Congress, President Obama Agree to Eat Lunch at Joe's Crab Shack

WASHINGTON D.C.-- At 10:57 P.M. tonight, and after hours of intense negotiation, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that the President and Congressional Republicans had agreed to eat lunch at Joe's Crab Shack.

BARACK OBAMA
So we agree to eat lunch at Joe's Crab Shack, right?

JON KYL
Yes. Though it's not either of our first choices, nor even a top preference, at least we can agree that at least someone will be happy with at least a bite of their meal there.

BARNEY FRANK
I don't eat seafood you fucking assholes.

JOHN BOEHNER
Well excuse me if I didn't want to eat at that frou-frou organic vegetarian restaurant again.

BARNEY FRANK
Just because a restaurant is not part of a chain does not make it frou-frou or organic. Or vegetarian. They served steak, chicken, and fish.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Did they serve filet mignon?

BARNEY FRANK
No.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Then I don't want to eat there.

BARNEY FRANK
You know I don't eat seafood.

BARACK OBAMA
Now let's stop the bickering, fellas, and just try to get excited about our lunch at Joe's Crab Shack.

NANCY PELOSI
It's almost 11 P.M.

BARACK OBAMA
Yes, but it was lunchtime when we started talking about it.

NANCY PELOSI
Just because we started talking about it at lunchtime doesn't make it lunch.

RON PAUL
The voters sent a clear message this past November, and that message is this: Congress should not be eating at Olive Garden anymore. 

HARRY REID
No one even suggested that we eat the Olive Garden. It was never even a possibility.

RON PAUL
I've been in this great body for over four decades, and even when it wasn't a popular decision not to eat at the Olive Garden--even when I was the lonely 'one' in a 434-1 vote in favor of eating at the Olive Garden--I always held my ground, as eating at the Olive Garden is not explicitly allowed by the U.S. Constitution.

HARRY REID
The Olive Garden didn't exist when the Constitution was written, how could eating there be explicitly allowed?

RON PAUL
The American government should not be spending the American people's money at Olive Garden at a time of such extreme deficit.

HARRY REID
The CBO has said that eating at the Olive Garden would have actually reduced American debt over the next five years.

A beat.

RON PAUL
Unlimited breadsticks is socialism.

MITCH MCCONNELL
Bad news. It's 11:30 PM and Joe's Crab Shack closed two hours ago. Also, we never figured out what to do  about emergency healthcare funding for 9/11 first responders.

JOHN MCCAIN
Forget it, let's get Wendy's drive-thru.

SENATORS
O-kay!

BARACK OBAMA
[Is silent].

Blackout.





ACT II



Saturday, December 18, 2010

30-Second Sketch

Our end-of-year music roundup continues:


B&W grainy footage of a countdown leader.

Text: EDUCATIONAL FILMSTRIPS INTERNATIONAL

Text: PRESENTS

Text: “Kanye West Song Lyrics: Brought to life!”

Cut to the back of a MAN’s head.
MAN
I UNDERSTAND my tomb is crowded.

The MAN turns around to reveal that he is an Egyptian pharaoh, with elaborate eye makeup, headdress, and hair accessories.
MAN
...but surely there is room for my cat!

The MAN holds up a CAT by the scruff of its neck.
CAT
Meow.

Text: THIS HAS BEEN A PRESENTATION OF EDUCATIONAL FILMSTRIPS INTERNATIONAL.

Blackout.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The 11 Most Pretentious and/or Incomprehensible Quotes from Pitchfork's Top 100 Songs of 2010 List

Pitchfork Media, the music e-magazine found over at www.pitchfork.com, is known as much as a taste-maker for hipsters as it is for its writing style and extreme, head-scratching allusiveness. Pitchfork assumes a level of familiarity with independent music history that most people do not nor ever hope to have; its writers often pile on long Latin verb and noun construction, giving the site a prose style that David Cross famously described as "overwrought."


What follows are the Top 11 Overwrought, Pretentious, Incomprehensible, and/or Confusing quotes from Pitchfork's recent Top 100 Singles of 2010 countdown. They are ranked in order of their appearance on Pitchfork's list.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Other Parts of the Constitution That the New Healthcare Bill Violates

On Monday, Judge Henry Hudson of Federal District Court in Virginia ruled that President Obama and Congress's new healthcare bill's provision that Americans be insured "exceeded the regulatory authority granted to Congress under the Commerce Clause." Here's a look at other clauses and laws of the Constitution that, by greatly increasing the number of insured Americans, the new Health Care bill violates:
  • New initiative to fight the war against cancer violates Congress's exclusive power to declare war.
  • Federal money to be paid to doctors specializing in amputation of the limbs would violate Right to Bear Arms.
  • Funds set aside to lower American obesity is direct threat to the Elastic Clause.  
  • Naturalization Clause rendered practically obsolete by newly created access to plastic and reconstructive surgeons.
  • Tonsillectomies greatly abridge the freedom of speech, while treating frostbite of the digits greatly abridges freedom of the press.
  • Increased availability to subsidized liposuction endangers relevance of the Free Exercise Clause.
  • New Healthcare Bill would allow for patients to be treated for the same illness twice, e.g. a flu in back-to-back flu seasons; this defies restrictions against double jeopardy.
  • Food and Drug Administration's test period for new pharmaceuticals cannot be described, in even the loosest interpretation, as speedy trials.
  • Regular checkups that include the checking of Body Mass Index and the taking of blood pressure transgress Congress's exclusive power to fix the standard of weights and measures.
  • Certain experimental doctors have been known to induce epileptic convulsions in catatonic patients; this naturally flies straight gainst the right against unreasonable surgeon seizure. 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Pink Tank Think Tank Dank Bank Sank Gank Jank - Now on YouTube



First The Beatles catalogue becomes available on iTunes, and now this? What a week, you guys. What a week.

Say "I Hate You" This Holiday Season by Inviting Me to Brunch

Is there any worse friend in the world than the one who invites you to Sunday brunch?

Listen, friends: I work five days a week (I don't actually, but pretend I do). I have to wake up early Monday through Friday, drag my fat, hairy carcass out of the warmth of my bed before the sun is out, and sit at a desk fighting back sleep and seasonal depression while counting down the hours to lunch for a vast majority of my adult life. Most days, I have to program my phone to make the most annoying noise that it can at a time of day I would otherwise be imagining myself making out with Olympic Gold Medalist Dominique Moceanu. So why would you, as a friend who quote-unquote cares about my happiness, deprive me of this lone joy on a Sunday morning and rip me from the warm womb of blissful Moceanu make-out dreams in order to make me schlep out into the cold to eat berries and cream in a crowded restaurant of yuppies and insufferable new parents when I'd rather be not doing that, ever?

Now, doubtless to some of you this sounds as though I am eating with someone who is not really my friend. It may sound as though I am describing someone specific when I complain about having to eat brunch. To those people I say you'll be relieved to hear that I have not been invited to brunch by anyone in years, so I am not singling anyone out here. It is more like I am attacking the very idea of Sunday brunch between friends as the work-like obligation it seems, even though I haven't had to wake up for it in a very, very long time. It is as though I am taking a stand, as one may take a stand against the abuses of the TSA or dogfighting. This is a social issue, really.

I am frankly shocked at the ongoing popularity of brunch amongst people my age (19-27; humor me). Perhaps it is simply the word 'brunch,' which carries with it a feeling of adult sophistication; perhaps people who eat brunch are simply social climbers, aspiring members of the nouveau riche, assholes, etc. If one of your friends called you and asked, "Hey, this Sunday, do you want to wake up at 8:30 in the morning to do something that we could do at any other time during the day and probably with less wait time and more enjoyment?" you would definitely say, "Fuck no, I want to sleep an extra two hours, what the fuck do you think?" But instead, your friend asks, "Hey, do you want to get brunch Saturday morning?", and you inevitably answer that brunch sounds delightful, and choose a restaurant that your boss said serves good crepes.

Luckily for me, I'm not in any danger of being invited to brunch, partly because I don't have any friends, sure, but also because I live in Newark, New Jersey, a city where it is only safe to go outside between 3 and 5 P.M., and where "brunch" stands not for the meal between "breakfast or lunch" but rather for a particularly crunchy brick of crack cocaine.

But if, however, you were thinking of inviting me to up or down to brunch--if you were thinking, "Hey, maybe Jason would like to come into New York City, or over to Princeton, leaving his apartment while it's still dark out on Sunday morning, in order to babble like chickens about what our old roommates are up to"--well, think again. Asking me to brunch is just short of saying "Fuck you" to my face and then punching me. It's not that I don't enjoy the attention, but please, spare me the pain.

"Alex Pettyfer looks like he steals cheekbones for a living"

Check out Business Flannel member/sex symbol Dan's personal website Dan Reviews Trailers for a remake of the upcoming loud Michael Bay film I Am Number Four.


I can't promise you'll learn anything, but I can promise pictures of Aubrey Plaza nips*.

*Sorry, I lost my train of thought. Dan Reviews Trailers doesn't have pictures of Aubrey Plaza nips either. No one does.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Why, Hello, You Must Be Here for Aubrey Plaza Nips

Like any good webmaster, I frequently check my site's analytics and referring keyword searches in order to optimize traffic flow, expand my click-through viewership, and maximize buzz by driving word-of-mouth from relevant influencers. It is thus with some sadness and disappointment that I announce to the shareholders that, in the past week alone, two readers have reached this site by typing "aubrey plaza nips" into their search engine.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Tour of the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad New Facebook Profile

If history is any indication, this structural change to the Facebook layout will be the downfall of the website, causing all of its users to protest, demand revision, and, when their demands are not met, deactivate their accounts en masse, effectively destroying Facebook. I think we all remember how disastrous past adjustments to the Facebook experience have been: remember how great the website was when Facebook only allowed certain Ivy Leaguers to sign up? Okay, bad example. But whatever happened to the joy of clicking through hundreds of your friends' profiles for hours on end to discover any new activity, a time killer that the dreaded News Feed rendered obsolete? The addition of high school students, Facebook applications and games, your mom; I mean, my God, Facebook! The inclusion of Status Updates was so bad that Martin Scorsese, who was originally slated to direct The Social Network, dropped out in protest, and Columbia Pictures could only get the guy who directed Alien 3 and the music video for Paula Abdul's "Straight Up Now Tell Me" to fill in for him.

And while this new look for the Facebook profile will inevitably end Facebook as a website and cultural phenomenon, let's take a closer look at it, anyway, if only for the benefit of future anthropologists and Internet historians wishing to know what finally caused Facebook to so suddenly lose all popularity.

After the jump, a tour of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad new Facebook profile layout.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

We're A Little Bit Famous

Look, over here at Business Flannel HQ (where the cubicle walls are tartan), we know we're pretty famous. People come up to us dozens of times a day, complimenting us on our superhuman wit and unspeakable sexual prowess. Admittedly, it's just Dan Maselli, desperately hoping that flattery will get him into our next video, but all publicity is good publicity, according to a wildly reductive platitude.

Anyway, check it out, I'm on CollegeHumor
. Next stop: The New York Times, perhaps!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

An Obituary for Leslie Nielsen, by Leslie Nielsen



When told of actor Leslie Nielsen's death this Sunday night, a nation of comedy-lovers  were in disbelief.

"Surely you can't be serious!" they pleaded with the doctor.

"Yes," said Dr. Surely. "And you're right, you have me mistaken with this man 'Serious.'"

Actor Leslie Nielsen, 84, died on November 28, 2010, at a hospital near his home in Fort Lauderdale. Though the cause of death has not yet been determined, doctors say that he was probably not gored to death by a unicorn. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and Gloria Gaynor in a hit 1978 song.

About two days ago Nielsen was checked into the hospital with pnuemonia. When asked if they would have done anything differently, family members conceded that if they had to do it again, they would probably check him into a hospital that wasn't infested with pnuemonia.

Leslie William Nielsen was born on February 11, 1926, in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, North America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe. The nephew of Danish actor Jean Hersholt, Nielsen prepared to be an actor by studying at the Academy of Studio Arts in Toronto and at the Neighborhood Playhouse; unfortunately he studied biophysics at these institutions, so he didn't learn very much about acting.

In the late 1940s Nielsen began his career in radio, transitioning to television when he managed to escape the insides of the overlarge FM/AM machine that had mysteriously entrapped him. Nielsen found success on television, notably for his recurring roles on "Tales of Tomorrow" on ABC and "I Can't Hear What You're Saying to Me!" on DEF.

In 1956 he made his film debut in "Ransom!" for which he earned acclaim (the claim: "You stink at acting"). Nielsen stuck with it, though, and went on to thrive in two decades of dramatic and romantic roles, notably in "Forbidden Planet" (1956), "The Poseidon Adventure" (1972) and "We're Gonna Party Like It's" (1999). In the 1970s, as his hair turned a snowy-white, he began playing army generals, police captains, and Pong, a really fun table tennis game for the Atari system.

Though he found success in drama, Nielsen wanted more, and he also wanted some good pizza--not the fake kind you get at the grocery store, but the good kind, like they sell in New York. You know the stuff.

In 1980 Nielsen appeared in a comedy, "Airplane!" Though audiences were used to seeing him in dramatic roles, they were also used to seeing him on a big white screen in the dark where light is projected from behind them in the form of a moving picture, so the transition was not as difficult as feared. As Dr. Rumack, Nielsen won universal praise, as well as kudos from 20th Century Fox and Paramount. His line "Yes, I am serious; and don't call me Shirley," is still often quoted today, as well as another line of his from the film, "Hello."

Nielsen celebrated his newfound success by drinking a lot, berating Asian masseuses and wagging his genitals around in public--you know how those Hollywood types are. He continued to make comedies throughout the 80s, 90s, and 2000s, starring in "The Naked Gun" trilogy, "Spy Hard," and "2001: A Space Travesty," a movie whose title parodies the title of the well-known Stanley Kubrick film "Spartacus." Though "Spy Hard" and "2001" did not earn the rave reviews of his earlier work, they did at least earn techno reviews from some critics.

Despite questionable appearances in Scary Movie 3, Scary Movie 4, and Scary Movie: Knock at the Door, Leslie Nielsen will be remembered by a generation of comics and moviegoers as one of the funniest actors with one of the best deadpans in cinematic history; and it is certainly quite sad that, thirty years after his legendary pan, Nielsen had to die, too.

Update on George Costanza's Nipples

I have an urgent update on the preceding post about George Costanza's nipples. (For if ever I have written something calling for an update, that was it).

It seems as though there is something even more strange about Costanza's nipples than simply their appearance; it seems as though Costanza's nipples also launch angry ticks and cause his eyes to turn into Japanimation eyes or something:

http://angryticksfirefromgeorgecostanzasnipples.ytmnd.com/

From the venerable You're the Man Now Dog family of websites.

This has been Jason Gilbert with an update on the strangeness of George Costanza's nipples. Thank you for your time and conern.

Friday, November 26, 2010

I Was in the Gene Pool

This Thanksgiving season, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and one thought has occupied and dominated my mind like no other:

George Costanza has really weird nipples.


Full disclosure: I've been turning this over in my head for a good five years now; every time I see this episode, the voice that says that Costanza's nipples look really strange has been getting louder and louder; and now I have come to what public intellectual Malcolm Gladwell calls a "tipping point" (further reading: "The Tipping Point," Malcolm Gladwell) in my thoughts. My decision:

Costanza's nipples look really, really weird.

I don't know what it is, exactly. They are hardly a different color from his skin, for one thing--they are almost more like slightly pinkish swollen continuations of the Costanza breast; maybe it's the oddly symmetrical pattern of chest hair that surrounds the nipples, a tessellation of chest growth if I've ever seen one. Maybe it's the odd, halfway-to-man-boob quality of the sagging, the slight shadows under the boob, the seeming total lack of teat on either side.

Whatever the cause, I think we can all agree that George Costanza has really, really weird nipples.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Where Did All the Mermaids Go?

Ever since Brandi Burkhardt left Passions, has anyone else had serious daytime television mermaid withdrawal? The luvox helps, but lately, it hasn't been enough...

Dear Kanye West: Part 2

[The following is Part 2 in an ongoing series of correspondence inspired by Kanye West's new album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. For part 1, click here.]


MAN [AFTER SEX]: It’s like you got this shit re-upholstered or something. What the fuck happened?
Who, who the fuck got your pussy all re-upholstered?
KANYE'S EX: Yeezy re-upholstered my pussy.



Dear Yeezy,


Thank you so much for last night. You were absolutely amazing, taking me to sexual and emotional heights I never thought possible. Of course, I don't think I've ever been that drunk while screwing before--what was in those shots we were having? Whenever I asked you, you just kept screaming, "I CALL IT MALIBU-YAH! I CALL IT MALIBU-YAH!" 


I get the feeling you didn't really know, either.


Anyway, even though the sex was great, I do have a minor concern. Did you, at some point in the night--I'm embarrassed to even ask, because it sounds so silly coming out of my mouth (but I feel as though I must)--Yeezy, at some point in the night, did you re-upholster my pussy?


I don't want you to think that I'm a prude or that I am against sexual experimentation: foodstuffs, hot wax, various lubricants, all are acceptable; but I have to draw the line somewhere, and I think the re-upholstery of my lady-parts is where I am drawing that line.


Given that my she-cave was never even upholstered in the first place, I'm wondering where you even got the idea to spruce it up at all. My only thought is that perhaps, in your excessive drunkenness, you mistook my vajayjay for an old barstool or badly-worn easy chair; however, this is so insulting to the aesthetics of my beaver that I hesitate to even consider it to be true.


So, I suppose we need to discuss how best I can un-upholster (downholster?) my pussy. The daisy-print slipcover you pulled over my honey cove is nice, but totally inappropriate for a vagina--it has to go. Ditto to the soft-cotton batting you saw necessary to supply my coochie with. Similarly, the vaginal wall re-fabricking you did, though tastefully and seamlessly completed (I can't even tell where or how it's attached!), also must be removed (I would do it myself, but I can't even tell where or how it's attached).


So, if you could, please get back to me with a time and a date when it would be convenient for you to return and strip my pussy if this upholstery, getting my pussy back to looking like a normal vagina and not like an East Tampa retirement community Barcalounger. And before you go getting ideas, let me assure you that this is in absolutely no way a come-on whatsoever and that, if this is your little trick for seeing a girl again, then try leaving your fucking belt next time. Thanks to you, my urine smells like hot glue, and every time I cross my legs, my peach pit emits the embarrassing squeal of vinyl rubbing against transparent sofa wrap. 


Please write back soon.


<3
Jenna

Monday, November 22, 2010

Dear Kanye West: Letters Inspired by Lyrics from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

[Part 1]


She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don't know what it is with females
But I'm not too good at that shit.
- from "Runaway"

Dear Mr. West,

I thought we had made a good deal of progress in your relationship therapy meetings when you decided that you were rehabilitated, which is why I was particularly disappointed to hear this song lyric.

If I can offer you one piece of advice I've learned through my dozens of years resolving couples disputes and in my studies and ongoing research as a leading couples therapist, it is this: the first step to ensuring the happiness of your partner is not sending other bitches a picture of your dick. This remains true not just at the beginning of a relationship, but at all times--not when you and your lover have a spat, not on Girl's Night Out, not even on your birthday is it acceptable to send a bitch a picture of your dick.

Numerous papers on the subject have been written, by relationship therapists from schools as disparate as the Gestalt, the Behavioral Therapists, and the Humanists, and all agree: sending a bitch a picture of your dick is harmful to a relationship's health.

Of course, you do have a point: that your girlfriend would go through your emails in the first place is troubling and an indication that latent trust issues certainly existed; that she found an email in which you sent a bitch a picture of your dick does not mitigate the invasion of privacy here.

At the end of the day, though, perhaps you were doing something that warranted her suspicion--for example, sending a bitch a picture of your dick.

If you have any questions about my strict "Don't send a bitch a picture of your dick" relationship policy, don't hesitate to write back, preferably without that My_Dick.jpg attachment from your last letter.

Sincerely,
Peter Smith, LCSW
Board Certified Relationship Therapist

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Frat Party Overheard

"Who would you rather nail: Bernadette Peters in Sunday in the Park with George, or Bernadette Peters in the revival of Gypsy?"

Naturally, the response was Gypsy. No question.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

New Business Flannel Premier Tonight

My friends: I have some good news. Tonight, we, Business Flannel, will be posting a new Comedic Sketch on FunnyOrDie, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr, Flickr, Friendster, Yelp!, Foursquare, Orkut, BlackPlanet, ManHunt, and Google Buzz.

It's a sketch that's ripped straight from the headlines, and we look forward to starting an honest discussion with our fans (and detractors) about where this country is and where it is going.

Before our video goes virulently viral, I wanted to post on our blog to say a few words about an important issue that affects all of us who release videos online.

Specifically, I think it's high time we talked about how to spell "premiere."


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Gay Marriage Story [Princeton University Thesis Reject]

In honor of the mid-term elections being over, and the recent spate of short stories that this blog has run, (and also the theme of our next video omg omg omg) I thought I would run a short story of my own. It was written back in 2008, soon after California passed Proposition 8 (the so-called "California Marriage Protection Act"), which defined marriage as being  between a man and a woman, thereby making illegal gay marriage in the state.

The story is an alternate history and a satirical parable. In it, Bill Number 9 has just been passed in an unnamed American state; rather than criminalizing gay marriage, however, THIS BILL has legalized it. What follows is a satire of a very popular idea amongst gay marriage opponents, that legalization would lead down a slippery slope (here's a delightful recent example), thereby leading to an apocalypse of family values.

I hope you enjoy more than my thesis adviser did.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Oh Man, Another Super Short Story!!!!!!

Explorers

There was no way out. Jack and I searched every inch of the chamber looking for any crack in the masonry or a grate that we could escape through, but the trap was too well constructed. As the walls continued to close in, I lit a cigarette.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” said Jack.

“Now’s as good a time as any to start.” I took a deep drag and started coughing.

“If you don’t smoke, then why did you bring a pack of cigarettes with us?” I was going to answer, but all of a sudden I started coughing again, much harder.

“Stop fake coughing,” said Jack. “I can tell that it’s fake because I just heard you actually coughing.”

“Look at Doctor Cough over here,” I said, pretending that the cigarette was a microphone. “Where’d you get your degree, Cough State University? I don’t even think that’s a real university.”

“Cut it out,” said Jack, “I didn’t go to college. I’m sensitive about that. You know that.” I was having fun being a comedian, though, so I didn’t stop.

“What was your major? Coughing? That’s not a major with very practical real-world applications. I can’t imagine many grad schools would be interested in coughing majors. I think it would be difficult to interview.”

“Okay, fine. You’ve had your fun.”

“What kind of courses does Cough State University even offer? Coughing 101? Coughing 201? That’s a pretty narrow track to follow. That’s hardly a liberal arts education at all. You should be expanding your horizons during college, and it really doesn’t sound like you took that very seriously, Doctor.”

At this point, the pressing walls were making it really hard to take deep breaths. I had to angle my body and swivel my shoulders so that I wouldn’t be crushed right away. I’d been holding the cigarette like a microphone so long that it had burned down to the filter. I yelped as it burned my fingers, and the burning butt fell into my open mouth, making me cough like you wouldn’t believe. I guess the joke was on me!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Why Is the G20 called the G20?, or (Fly Like a G20, Fly Like a G20)

Summing up the recent G20 meeting of world leaders, the New York Times ran this headline: "Summit Shows U.S. Can Still Set Agenda, If Not Get Action." And while this headline forced an immature nation of young Times' readers to imagine Barack Obama getting some action with Angela Merkel, it also raised another, more important question: Couldn't they come up with a better name than G20?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Oh, The Things I Would Do To Aubrey Plaza, Star Of NBC's "Parks and Recreation"

Fry her up some of my famous huevos rancheros.

Urge her to take enrichment classes at her local community college.

Build a gazebo for her back yard. That's right, an entire gazebo.

Pay for the dim sum and the gelato.

Upside-down lovemaking.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Popular Dishes at Pitchfork.com's Recent Company Potluck: A List

Modest Mousse
Wilcoconut Shrimp
Yo La Tacos
Daft Pumpkin Pie
Clap Your Hands Say Yogurt Dip
Édith Pilaf (reissue)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Business Flannel - Beta Epsilon Pi



I started a sketch comedy group, and this is our first ever video. Check us out, Bloggy-spotty

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Snarky American Reviews Random Eurovision Song Contest Losers: Cyprus, 1989

The existence of the Eurovision song contest has always fascinated me as both an American and a post-ironic hipster douche-cannon; this will be, I hope, the first in a long, long, perhaps endless series of retrospectives on the competition, with each post looking back at a randomly selected country's entry from a randomly selected year (sometimes the words I use for the retrospective will also be randomly selected, for example: plexiglass cell wall coda tacos tacos tacos nachos tacos" - from an upcoming look back at France's 1994 entry, "Je Suis Un Vrai Garçon" ("I am Steve Vai's garbage can").


For those not in the know, the Eurovision song contest is, per Dr. Samuel Johnson, "an annual competition held among active member countries of the European Broadcasting Union" in which each country submits one videotaped performance of an original song into the competition. Then, after all songs have been aired, delegates from each member nation cast votes for their top choices, and one nation is crowned European Song Contest champion. This has been going since 1956; past winners who have had their Eurovision submissions turn into huge success stories include ABBA, Celine Dion, and the Notorious B.I.G.


What follows is not one of those success stories.

Another Super Short Story!!!

Grandpa

When I turned twelve, Grandpa sat me down to tell me the facts of life.

“You’re fat,” he said, spittle flying from his mouth. “And you’re ugly. You’re impossible to love. Your best bet is to get murdered soon, because you can’t get into Heaven if you take your own life.”

There was a quiet wisdom behind his words, the kind that you don’t find in books or movies or on TV or in newspapers or on the inside of your cat that you vivisected in your backyard because Grandpa told you he’d do it himself if you didn’t.

“I’m cold, Grandpa” I said, “The gravel hurts. Can we go inside?” Grandpa only laughed and pushed my head harder against the driveway.

“Gravel is good for you,” he yelled. “It’s nature’s salt. I put gravel in my food. I’ve been putting gravel in your food for weeks.” It was true. At first I had tried to pick out it, but every day each meal was more gravel and less food. That morning he served me a bowl of gravel with a corn flake on top. I ate the corn flake slowly, to savor it.

“Did you know I was in Korea?” asked Grandpa. He took his knee off of my back and sat down next to me Indian style. “The things I saw. The things I did. They would make your head spin.”

“Grandpa, why did you make me kill Boots?” Grandpa had stuffed my cat full of gravel and sown him back up and nailed him over my bed. He had said it was “a warning.”

Grandpa took the knife out of his boot and started stropping it on a strip of leather. After a long minute, he looked at me and shook his head. “That’s life, kid.”

I didn’t like those summers living with Grandpa, but it was better than the rest of the year, when Grandpa made me live outside.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Two and a Half Menstrual Cramps

I've been staying here in Styrofoam, New Jersey, with my parents these past couple days, which means that not only are sly suggestions about the cheapness of surgical teeth whiteners these days up in my life about 200%, but also the amount of television programs aimed at Mom and Dad's demographic.

Now, though I used to be a big television watcher, I do not watch much TV anymore, what with so much pornography now being available on the Internet.  This means that I do not face the same crises as my parents apparently do each Monday ("Do we TiVo Gossip Girl and watch Two and a Half Men, or do we TiVo Two and a Half Men and watch Gossip Girl?"); this is a relief, as I live such a stressful life (today, for example, I realized around three P.M. that I had forgotten to apply deodorant that day; luckily, I had woken up at 2:30 and I never leave the house or see anyone that I know, so it wasn't a big deal).

What I wanted to highlight, however, was the reaction of my parents following tonight's episode of Two and a Half Men, a show that has come to represent a kind of inartistic, desperately un-hip mainstream comedy, due to its popularity, longevity, and unnerving amount of Jon Cryer boner jokes. Usually they find it pleasant enough, sometimes funny, up to hilarious; and I would say, at the risk of being forever banned from Williamsburg, that the show, in its earlier years, at least had some funny lines, most of which involved Charlie Sheen insulting Jon Cryer's tiny, ineffectual, befreckled wiener.

Jon Cryer, shown here celebrating his Golden Globe
win for Smallest Implied Wiener Size in a Comedy Series
Tonight, however, they both had a very different reaction. I was in another room--I can't remember what I was doing but, given what I am usually doing at any given time of day, probably contemplating my solidarity in the darkness--and I happened to emerge around 9:27 P.M. at the conclusion of 2 1/2 8===D (see what I did there?) My mother, launching herself up from the couch, complained, and I quote: "That was a creepy one!"

"Creepy?" I asked my dad. I always turn to my father for a second opinion, as my mother tends to form a kooky opinions about things (for example, she has this idea in her head that I should get a career and financial independence--Okay, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul, am I right, you guys?)

"Yeah, it was pretty creepy," my dad agreed.

From what I've gathered about Two and a Half Men from begrudgingly watching it in hotel rooms and on long plane flights, the series follows a manic-depressive impotent who yearns for the life of his brother, an alcoholic sex addict. Also, the manic-depressive impotent once impregnated a woman who could not admit that she was a lesbian due to societal constraints. For one show to be especially creepy must have meant one of two things: A), that CBS accidentally aired a loop of the Club Silencio scene from Mulholland Drive, or B) Two and a Half Men must have been especially creepy this week.

Hopping on over to TV.com, I see that this week's episode is called "Springtime on a Stick" (not too high on the creepy scale, considering that the episode set to air in two weeks is entitled "Ow, Ow, Don't Stop"). According to my mother, the episode involved a divorced septuagenarian paying an immigrant to clean his home and also sleep with him three times per week, a fact which makes his ex-wife angry, so she gets in a bathtub with someone and is walked in on by her sons Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen. Also, there are lots of Viagra jokes; though I believe that it is a network television rule that whenever any man with gray hair appears on screen with a woman that is not related to him under the age of 40, he has to make a joke about still being able to get an erection.

Having not seen the show, I cannot really remark on its creepiness, though on a scale of 1 to 10, it immediately acquires 3 points for involving Jon Cryer in a sexual situation and another 1 point for the way that the little boy (whose name is Angus T. Jones - 0.5 points) has grown up over the life of the sitcom.

At what point do we start calling the show Three Men and A Baby Penis?

More on this situation (except not really) as it develops (except it won't).

Today's Big Thing

One: It should be apparent to all of you by now that, like the best pornography, this blog will indeed have multiple contributors, contributing at random and without warning. The previous post was by Bearded Dan (or Dan with the Beard), image here:


Two: The reason(s) why this blog will have multiple contributors will become apparent, if all goes according to plan, within 12 hours.

Three: I am at my parent's home, in the retirement community, here for the free food. Last night my mother made a delicious chicken parm with soft shell noodles and the leftovers were plentiful.

Today I went to heat up a breast and some noodles for lunch when I remembered one of the great current downfalls of the home: all of our plates are lined with metal, so re-heating in a microwave is impossible. All we have are these little plastic cereal bowls, bought especially for reheating.

So I reheated the chicken parm, which was almost bigger than the bowl itself, and some of the noodles in the plastic cereal bowl, and when the dish was nice and hot I pulled it out and began to eat with knife and fork. Only, same as always, I was having an incredibly hard time cutting up the meat in such a tiny bowl and with no flat surface to create pressure to make the cuts. Another frustrating meal in which lots of spaghetti sauce gets on the placemats and table, right?

WRONG, because here's where ingenuity struck me:

What if, instead of eating the reheated chicken parm and noodles out of the cereal bowl, I transfered the contents of the bowl to another plate, one with enough surface area to accommodate my meal? And that's exactly, dear reader, what I did, carefully spooning out the pasta and chicken onto a much wider, dinner-sized plate, from the cereal bowl to the new, more suitable dining receptacle.

And THAT is today's big thing.

Super Short Story!

The Date

“I guess I just don’t know how to deal with loss.”

“No, yeah, me neither.” My date had been crying for most of dinner, and I was kind of getting sick of it. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. How about we play the Shut Up Game?”

“What?” She looked hurt, but I think there was something in her that liked the idea.

“Yeah. It’s the game we don’t talk or make eye contact and eat our dinners.” To get her started, I took a handful of rigatoni and tried to push it into her mouth.

“Stop! Stop it!” My date screamed and slapped my hand away. Everyone in the restaurant turned to stare at us.

“She lost!” I yelled at the top of my voice, standing up on my chair. “She lost the Shut Up Game! Do you know what that means?!”

“PENALTY ROUND!” everyone in the restaurant cried, picking up the pepper grinders from their tables and surrounding my date. As they pinned her down on the table and just peppered the good gravy out of her, I laughed and laughed, throwing up clumps of pasta and rubbing the complimentary olive oil on myself in unbridled delight. The Penalty Round is my favorite round.

Would tonight be the night I got to second base?, I wondered.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Parallel World Chicago Cubs Win 38th Parallel World Series

PARALLEL UNIVERSE CHICAGO, IL --- In a universe that is parallel to our own in both time and space, but in which hypothetical occurrences opposing our own world's reality do indeed exist, the Chicago Cubs finished out a six-game series win over the Kansas City Royals, capturing a 38th Parallel World Series Title and bringing yet another baseball championship to the victory-accustomed Parallel World Chicago Cubs baseball fans.  Though this is Parallel World Chicago's 38th Series win, and 7th in the last 9 years, Parallel Universe Chicago fans agree that the elation and team pride that accompanies an ultimate victory in one's sport of choice has not lessened or reduced following so many unblemished and worry-free post-seasons. "Sometimes I think, 'You know, we've been so successful these past few decades, maybe it's time we let New York or Boston win a championship, to let them experience this unremitting joy I feel now that my team has once again gone all the way,'" said Parallel Universe Chicago resident Dennis Birdsong, 32, before reconsidering: "Nah, screw them. This feeling never gets old! Here we go Cubbies!! Five-peat!!!" The Parallel Universe Chicago Cubs were once again led on the mound by their trio of dominant and durable starting pitchers Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, and Carlos Zambrano (who was also named Teammate of the Year by The Parallel World Sporting News for a fifth straight year), and on offense by recent Parallel Universe Cubs first-round draft picks Evan Longoria, Chase Utley, and Parallel World Series MVP Jessica Alba, who is also the writer's Parallel World wife and concubine.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I don't care if she lost...

...I still think Zenyatta should get to host SNL next weekend.

Musical guest Christine O'Donnell.

A Piper (with Diapers?)

Now, I know that New Jersey, as far as bizarre, inexplicable human behavior is concerned, does not compare to Thailand. I've been living outside of Newark for almost half a year now, and I have yet to dine with a corpse, be warned against answering phone calls from the murderous blood telephone, or attend a water buffalo fashion show/Isuzu-sponsored cockfight. That said, it is not as though New Jersey does not have its own very specific form of extraterrestrial individual, who, at the risk of elitism, exists in his own bubble of fashion sense and tact and with his own peculiar idea of what is and is not acceptable to say to waitresses.


The other day, though, driving on one of New Jersey's 97,547 local highways, I saw something that made me pause and just, just wonder, as I so often did in Chiang Mai. Generally when I notice a strange Jerseyite, it is because they are screaming something about the fucking New York fucking Giants (fuck!) at a bar or nightclub or playground; but this time, it was just the flash in my eye of a man that brings me here: (After the "Jump")



Friday, November 5, 2010

Mariah Cuomo's Reaction to Her Father's Election: Somewhere Between Mortified and Apathetic

Perhaps my favorite subplot of Andrew Cuomo's victory speech upon being elected to New York governor was not whether or not he would do something to make him look like he was in the mafia (yes, grab your father the former leader and kiss him on the cheek) nor whether or not he would vow to do something about the damn rent (fear the beard), but rather the mesmerizing reaction of Cuomo's youngest daughter Mariah (I think it is Mariah, though my political semi-celebrity stalking skills are admittedly subpar). Keep your eye on her, over Cuomo's left shoulder in the scoop-neck black dress and the silver necklace, and enjoy the greatest non-reaction to a parent's political success ever.




I recommend watching the entire 10 minutes, just so you can see Mariah actively break down and get tired of all this applause-and-smiling bullshit, as she goes from feigned enthusiasm to apathy to outright pubescent disdain for one's father. For those of you with "jobs" and "social lives," however, you can start in around 3:45 mark, when Mariah really turns into a member of The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton.

She starts out so wonderfully: smiling, hugging and kissing relatives, not glaring at her father as though wishing he were dead. And then, at about the 2 minute mark, she totally loses it. She's like a toddler who eats a lot of sugar and runs around the house screaming for a while before losing all energy and collapsing onto the floor; except, instead of going from hyper to comatose, she goes from seemingly congratulatory to visibly contemptuous.

Some in New York no doubt would like to see another Cuomo take over the Governor's office after Andrew, and it may well be Mariah's to take; but if she does not choose to enter politics, I am sure she has a terrific future ahead of her as a teenage girl in cell phone commercials who is tired of hearing her parents tell her how many text messages she sent in the last month.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Social Network? More Like...


If last weekend’s Harvard-Princeton flashflood of football incompetence had any benefits, it was that the matchup got me seriously thinking about how to best pun on “The Social Network” in order to mock Harvard and its presumably intolerable student body.

For those of you that don’t follow the current cinema (or charitable donations to the New Jersey school system), “The Social Network” is the unrestricted profile (see what I did there?) of Harvard dropout and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, and it is just the latest in a long proud line of Hollywood releases to depict Harvard University as an irrepressible douchequarium, a greenhouse which sprouts only the most unpleasant betweeded cockhelmets the Ivy League has to offer.

And with its trifecta of universal recognition, its suggestive wordplayabaility, and its close association with Harvard, a truly smart pun on “The Social Network” has the chance to achieve a quite lofty level of Crimson bashing, perhaps the most public and widespread since the Yale Drama Repertory’s smash of 1975, “The Paper Chase? More Like The Gayfer Face, Am I Right?” (Wendy Wasserstein has since disowned the play).

[Caveat: Unfortunately, I’m not a truly smart person (did you see that Paper Chase pun up there?) and so this is more of a roadmap or gesture towards something rather than an accomplishment. I hope that you real punsters out there help me out in the comments section].

And so let us begin our drive down the long and winding road of puns (our vehicle being, as always, a Beetle), in search of a pun with which to avenge Princeton’s homecoming loss to the Crimson, to turn the tide, to find a bon mot with such bone that it would make those Harvardian’s cheeks turn…a darkish shade of red, I suppose.

The purpose of conceiving this pun (as if conception ever needs a purpose) is to point out what is obvious to every Princeton student and alum: that despite any infinitesimal perceived academic (or athletic) advantage Harvard holds, the social advantage enjoyed by Princetonians is so overwhelming that comparing the two schools holistically is a waste of everyone’s time (even of Harvard students, who have so, so much time on their hands).

Also, I blame Harvard in a very casual way for everything that goes wrong in my life--relationship problems, why I don't get cell reception on the Lower East Side, the reason that trains are so noisy--all of it can be inevitably traced back to a Harvard graduate in a powerful position dicking over the little guys.

And so let us begin. Of course, in order to best appreciate these puns, please do imagine them in the template of The Social Network’s ubiquitous logo, the white text against a blue background of the original Facebook logo:



I would have rendered a few mockups of these puns in Photoshop, except I don’t own Photoshop, don’t know how to use it, have no idea what a “mockup” is, and still haven’t really figured out how to do anything artistic on my computer except crudely spray paint profanity in MS Paint.

Let us begin at the very obvious:

 The Antisocial Network - Describing Harvard as The Antisocial Network isn’t bad, but it’s not insulting enough, it doesn’t have that bite. It seems to suggest that the interpersonal incompetence of the Harvard student body is due to some kind of disorder or lifestyle choice rather than an excruciatingly developed Napoleon complex which gives them all little Pavlovian quarter-chubs whenever they sniff perfume. The phrase “The Antisocial Network” also appears on websites for The Washington Post and MTV.com, which means that it is just days away from being used on CNN.com, which will bury it in the same graveyard as “Getting’ jiggy with it” and “Who let the dogs out?”

The Social Regretwork – This is what all Harvard undergraduates experience around November of their first year at around 3 in the morning on a Saturday night, again sitting in their dorm room with their roommate, sipping straight Popov from a glass they stole from the dining hall, listening excitedly for high heels on the floorboards outside before deciding to put back on their headsets and play another seven hours of Warcraft.

The Boba Fettwork – This doesn’t make any sense, but it sure does sound funny. 

Okay. This has been weighing us all down, so let’s do something about it. Let’s dispense with all the juvenile,
hypersexual, broadly homophobic portmanteaus. Let’s just get ‘em all out there and out of the way and never speak of them again, no matter how well they may insult Harvard in a high-school locker room sort of way:

The Facial Network, The Fellatial Network, The Social Frotwork, The Criscocial Network, The Dildocial Network, The Bro-on-Brocial Network, The Camel Toecial Network, The Gloryhocial Network, The Rusty Trombocial Network, and, of course, The Butt Rodeocial Network.

I’m glad that’s over.

The New York Metwork – I’m as big a Harvard basher as the next guy, but even I think associating them with the New York Mets is cruel. I apologize, Harvard.

The New Jersey Network – Ditto.

The Low-Cal Fruitwork – Can’t you just see those Harvardians, carefully inserting an Au Bon Pain Frequent Eaters’ Club Card into their Louis Vuitton wallets, pompously wafting the scent of a Triscuit toward their nose before taking a first bite, dipping grandpapa’s silver absinthe spoon into a Brandy snifter of strawberries and cream whilst summering on Nantucket? This is the low-cal fruitwork.

The Kosher Schlepwork – This one combines two great pastimes of the Ivy League Jew: Harvard-bashing and self-loathing. Look: we all know that the Jewish cabal controls all sectors of the non-Chinese world economy. That’s obvious. We also know that, because the rest of were busy drinking hooch and getting laid, the only kids who study enough to get into Harvard are Jews and Asians.  Do I need to spell this out for you?

The Essential Kraftwerk – Trans-Europe Express, The Man-Machine, and Autobbahn obviously. I’d throw in the second self-titled and “Computer Love” off Computer World, too, though I suppose a definition of “essential” is needed here—wait, what were we talking about?

The Circle Wetjerk – Not only is attending Harvard like attending a big circle jerk—it’s like attending a big WET circle jerk. And if there's anything worse than attending a circle jerk (see the video from my wedding night for proof), it's when that circle jerk gets wet.

Uh oh. I think we're drifting back towards juvenilia again...

The Fecal Crotchwork – ...yeah, now we're really getting far too close to just outright juvenile potty humor. Also, these are barely even puns anymore…

The Flaccid Titspork – …and we’re gone

I'm sorry that I lost control toward the end here. 

I blame Harvard, always dicking over my thought processes. The Social Network? More like The Mental Dickwork, am I right?