Friday, October 23, 2009

What have I done on my day off?

Today is a holiday in Chiang Mai; or at least, I didn't have class today. Or at least, I didn't go to class today. I'm banking on a holiday. Someone please confirm to me that it was a holiday and I'm not getting fired.


Okay. I woke up around 11:30 and headed over to the 7-11 to buy some Grape Mentos. Yes, that is literally how I started my day (after the requisite cleaning of Drool Cheeks and commenting on several pertinent Drudge Report articles).

Grape Mentos in pocket (and the other one is giving a HIGH FIIVE), I ate first lunchies, some Ginger Stir Fry Chicken at a recently-discovered food stand. They were absolutely shocked that I could speak Thai. The girl who took my order (literally, an 8-year-old girl) stared in wonder at me for a good ten minutes, as though I were powderizing Grape Mentos with my elbow and sprinkling them atop my stir-fry. You'd think she'd never seen a white person speaking Thai before! Among other things.

I decided to pamper myself with a massage, and so I bought a diaper and headed to a massage parlor, where I dropped a hard-earned $4 on an incredible one-hour Thai massage.

I'm coming up with a checklist of requirements or facets of an excellent Thai massage. Here are some I noticed today, which indicate sincere enjoyment. If the answer to any of these questions is "Yes," it means your masseuse is doing a good job:

-When the masseuse works your groin, do you uncontrollably pee a little bit?
-While lying on your stomach, does your masseuse spend more than ten minutes working one butt cheek?
-Also while on your stomach, do you drool more than five times, even though you promise yourself you won't anymore?
-Do you not realize until long after the massage is over that you put on your pants backward and that your ass was exposed the entire time, forcing your poor masseuse to suffer through the wet angel hair pasta mix that is your butt hair?
-Do you walk out of the massage parlor singing, in full-voice falsetto, "Rikki Don't Lose That Number," despite not knowing any of the words or melody past "Rikki, don't lose that number" and continuing to sing nonsense about "a golden slumber," "fallen lumber," and "wet cucumber"?
-Do you consider setting the massage parlor aflame so that no one else will be able to experience the satisfaction of your masseuse's magic fingers, so that you can be the last man on earth to have felt such joy? Instead of saying Thank you, do you say "Fire, Walk with Me," and hope that she does not speak English very well?

If so, then you had a pretty, pretty good massage. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to shower, because my hair smells like smoke.

1 comment:

  1. i always had a problem with the massage outfit they have you put on. Way too small. The shirt goes to my bellybutton and the pants to the edge of my pubes. I was definitely called "ling" a few times

    Also without fail i would always fart uncontrollably