Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Jason Gilbert Thailand Diet!!

As I wrote before, since moving to Thailand three months ago (!) I have lost almost twenty pounds. Many of you out there on the Internetcube have written asking me, "Jason, how did you do it? How did you lose so much weight so quickly? Did you get your nose removed?"

No, I still have my nose, and I still lost almost twenty pounds in Thailand. But you don't have to spend your parents' hard-earned frequent-flier miles to lose weight the Thai way. Here are some quick steps and advice for how you, too, can look like Christian Bale in The Machinist in just three months:

1) Be fat to begin with
The Jason Gilbert Thailand Diet, like most diets, works best if you're a fattie when you start it. The more your ass cheeks look like the lunar surface, the better.

2) Only eat foods that your body has no chance of digesting
For me, this is anything that is even a little spicy, which is everything on most Thai menus, including the water, which Thais inexplicably enjoy with just a dash of chili powder.

Unlike most diets that have you limit your intake of food in terms of quantity and nutritional quality, the Jason Gilbert Thailand Diet does not segregate! You can eat anything you want, so long as you immediately pass it through your system and retain none of the nutrients (or fats or sugars!). For instance, I have a fried egg on top of almost every meal I eat here in Thailand, which is horrible for my cholesterol and blood pressure--but great for my bikini line! I've dropped three waist sizes in three months, and I eat a fried dessert of dough, sugar, and fried sugary dough every night! And sometimes it doesn't hurt when it comes out over a series of four to five toe-clenching gastric evacuations! Sometimes!

We can take a lesson from the animal kingdom here: in order for birds to be light enough to fly, they must pass most of the food they eat through their body quickly, pooping wherever they are.

The similarities between me and a bird are striking. And I'm not just talking about my beak.

So: are you lactose-intolerant? Body can't digest fruits or vegetables like tomatoes? Do you live near a water source that is known to cause dysentery? All of these are viable options to start liquefying your innards and losing those pounds.

3) Sweat out at least half your body mass every day
This might be a little trickier for those of you who live in cold weather climates, or those of you who don't have the body hair like a Russian gorilla. But if you really want to succeed on the Jason Gilbert Thailand Diet, you need to find a way to make yourself lose enough perspiration daily to cook a pot of spaghetti in.

Note that I said "Find a way": this doesn't mean that you necessarily must exercise on the Jason Gilbert Thailand Diet. Sure, some of your more mundane activities--running from rabid dogs, jumping out of the paths of drunk Tuk Tuk drivers, wandering around hopelessly lost for three to four hours at the hottest time of the day--may incidentally exercise your muscles. But if you can sweat while simply sitting at the computer, typing a pointless blog post, while naked, with the air-conditioner on--well, you're still losing weight, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!?

4) Get those organs evaporatin'!
Going along with part three (the loss of all bodily fluid), you next would like your inessential organs, especially those of the digestive system, to begin to evaporate or crumble to dust. Not many doctors want to tell you this, but most organs in your body have no function, and simply add unnecessary pounds to your weight and to your looks. So, if those organs are improperly lubricated by those requisite internal liquids, they will slowly begin to deteriorate--along with your waistline!

How do you know when those canals and containers inside are really helping your weight loss? Well, once all of your esophageal fluids have been sucked up through the porous dermis, you will begin to hear a "crackling" noise, not unlike the sound of biting a Kit-Kat, coming from your gut--don't be alarmed, this is only your parched internal organs rubbing up against one another, and it is the celebratory sound of imminent weight loss--Thai-style!

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I hope that helps all of you wondering about my recent weight loss and how you can replicate it, too. To all of you out there who were once like me--fat, sad, not on the brink of malnutritional death--I am here to offer hope, guidance, and a figurative hand to hold as you painfully retch on the bathroom floor after most meals and snacks.

Godspeed, and I hope you have a good air freshener.

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