Friday, August 28, 2009

Skateboard Farang, Pulling His Groin Muscle!

So last night, because I thought I was an athlete or something, I decided to skateboard out to a bar, going from Chomdoi Condo (mi casa) to Heaven Beach Bar (which I always call "Heaven Gate," which would be an inappropriate (or really awesome?) name/theme for a bar for many reasons (especially one that sells sugary drinks by the bucket).

So, for those of you a little familiar with Chiang Mai: Dunkin Donuts to Spicy. The way there is a slightly downhill grade, a gentle slope from Doi Suthep all the way there. Of course, like a moron, I tried to take a shortcut and did a huge, thirty minute circle, going from Kad Suan Kaew and ending up at Kad Suan Kaew in just half an hour.

Then I gave up and took a taxi.

On the way home, because I wasn't drinking, I decided to skateboard back, which physics will tell you is a slight uphill grade but nothing I couldn't do. And oh how the Thais at their roadside noodle stands and bars pointed and cheered as this lanky skateboard Farang kicked and pushed by, furiously maneuvering back home, flicking off (figuratively) every Tuk Tuk driver I saw. Twenty five minutes and a few pints of sweat later I was home, with an awful twinge in the groin and my chest hair greasy like angel hair pasta in the boiling pot.

I don't know why I did this. To save, perhaps two dollars, which seems like an outrageous amount of money in Thailand (60 Baht? Are you kidding me? I REFUSE to spend 60 ANYTHING on ANYTHING).

Sixty minutes
sixty seconds
The man who invented standard time was an idiot
Don't you reckon?

(Unless this was part of God's design, in which case, infallible).

I have all of these passport photos strewn about my room. I want to take pictures of them (pictures of pictures META POST COMING SOON) because it's really incredible how different I look.

I still have the photos from the Princeton CVS I took, that Princeton in Asia thought WERE SO NECESSARY AND I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID NOT COME TO THE VISA ORIENTATION SESSION that I never used and that I could not use because PiA told me the wrong size. But my hair is greasy, my eyes have bags, I have a five o-clock shadow and--is that the beginnings of a double chin? Thinking back on it, I wonder if this was a little F-U to PiA. Well, the joke was on me, because I spent 5 dollars (200 BAHT! Are you kidding me! Give me a refund!) on worthless visa photos. Fail one.

Then there are ones from Thailand. Some were the wrong size that I was forbidden to use by an idiotic CMU administrator, some are those wrong-size leftovers which I used just fine at immigration even though this same CMU administrator told me that immigration would absolutely not accept them and that I had to go do them over, some are the do-over photos which I will not be reimbursed for, even though they were completely unnecessary:

But you can track my weigh gain. And the fact that I apparently always wear my yellow golf shirt to go get visa photos done (four times, natch).

This was a long one blahhhh

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