Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I just took a shower with a lizard.

Reminded me of my first wife.

Too easy '10.


Hey, remember the time that I lost 10 pounds in Thailand and then gained it all back when I discovered how freaking good Rotee is?

Oh right, that time is right now--

Rotee Gluay Hohm:

Fried dough

Add a scrambled egg onto the dough, then a cut-up banana. Fold the dough over the banana.

Fry it up over high flame. Add glaze and sugar.

Eat hot and crispy.

I've had one every night for the last four nights. And I don't even LIKE dessert.

Or the desert, either. That was one of those spellings that troubled me as a kid. Those two, and hiring. I could never pronounce those words. I distinctly remember seeing a "NOW HIRING" sign outside of a McDonald's, and asking my mom what "Heering" meant.

Since then, I have learned to read and write in a way that is better than the way that I formerly read and wrote.

Remember how funny Hooked On Phonics jokes used to be? Walk into Spencer's Gifts, contemplate buying the Hukd On Fonicks Werked 4 Me! t-shirt, decide not to. What a mistake that was. That shirt would STILL kill today.

Now I'm reminded of a shirt that I believe was thrown away in a Gilbert Salvation Army purge (without my permission, natch, because this one was such a keeper). I must have bought it around 1997, when Titanic was very popular. It was a plain white T-shirt, with metallic text that read "THE BOAT SANK, GET OVER IT." God I was popular in elementary school.

"I used to be so big." - Frederick Hall


I hear less parodies of "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue" now then I used to. Was "Roses are red..." a more popular poem back in the 90s, or was it only a popular parody in grade school?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.

You can't write this stuff!*

*Anyone who ever utters this phrase doesn't read enough. Anything can be written--and I don't mean in the million monkeys with a million typewriters scenario--I mean, really, the boundlessness of the human imagination, combined with eternal time, combined with the various mental wirings of writers, combined with hallucinogenic think that someone couldn't have come up with the life trajectory of Sarah Palin?

You couldn't make this stuff up!

Yes, you could. Read a book. Read a blog. Watch a movie. Read a writer's scratch sheet, notes, rejected ideas. You can make this stuff up. There are worse things to be hooked on than phonics.

Bringing back Hooked on Phonics jokes in the year 2009,


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